She is intelligent and attractive. She speaks many spoken and programming languages fluently, and is a quick study. One would expect her life to be going quite smoothly considering her credentials. Instead she is considering ending her life because she can no longer see a future for herself. How could this happen? What went wrong?
Maya was born in 1983 in a small Dutch village. The first five or six years there was nothing unusual about her, aside from maybe how easily she became friends with everyone. Then for some reason Maya became quiet and began to withdraw into herself. It was the first sign of what was wrong, yet nobody could pick up on what was the matter. For fifteen years she'd stay like this, with even the discovery of her significant giftedness in 2002 offering only a partial explanation.
Puberty was disturbing for Maya, as her body didn't develop the way she had expected it to. Back then Maya still had a boy's name, as at birth they had assumed her to be a boy. During puberty she did however experience breast growth and developed a feminine skeleton. Later tests showed that she only had very low testosterone levels. It wasn't until 2005 that she discovered on her own that she was intersex, and later hermaphrodite as specific diagnosis. This is where things went wrong.
Even though two German clinics had confirmed this hermaphrodite diagnosis using an MRI scan, Dutch physicians and psychologists would deny this diagnosis, claiming that the MRI scans made didn't show anything unusual, ignoring Maya's physical build and attempting to brainwash her into believing that she had to be transsexual and wanted to be a woman. Maya did however constantly maintain that she was happy with her body the way it was, and that she was in fact a hermaphrodite. Dutch hospitals proceeded by faking a mosaic test and denying to perform more examinations.
After nearly seven years of this, Maya was forced to acknowledge her defeat; thanks to the refusal by the Dutch medical world to even classify her as being intersex and the brainwashing attempts she was diagnosed by her psychotherapist with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), mental conditions caused by extremely traumatic events.
Also due to this constant battle and the late discovery of her intersex condition she had been unable to develop herself emotionally, make friends, finish an education (though she did do a lot of self-study), or build up an income. Forced to live with her mother who has to get by on welfare, Maya longs desperately for a future, and a home. Somewhere where she can feel safe and protected. Some place where she can get the medical help she needs, as well as treatment for her traumas.
This place could be in Germany, but due to her poor financial situation, lack of income and her daily fight against her traumas, Maya fears that this is a new battle she can not win. She would therefore ask anyone who is reading this to somehow, some way help her get this future she so desperately longs for.
Please.
Maya
4 comments:
I don't have any great inspiring words, I'm not a psychologist and can't offer much that won't sound like tired old cliches, but after reading this post I felt compelled to at least write SOMETHING. I'm just a regular guy working to support his family. I'm doing fine, not as well as I'd like, but well enough that I shouldn't complain. I can, albeit to a much lesser degree I'm sure, understand your feelings of despair and why you might consider giving up. What feelings would you have to feel to want to take your own life? Are you feeling utterly hopeless, like there's nothing you can do, and things will never get better? As difficult as it may be, try to set emotions aside and analyze those feelings for a moment. Is it really true, that there's NOTHING you can do? Is it really true that thing are completely hopeless, and there's 0% chance of things to improve? If you really, really think about it, I think you'll agree, this is not the case. People have survived unimaginable hardships during times of war, imprisonment, or torture - undoubtedly feeling infinitely worse than I've ever felt, (I'm guessing you would say the same) and they found a way to survive and get through it. The only moment where things are really, truly hopeless, are the moment you pass away. Right up until that moment, things can change, you can change. You'd be trading the possibility for improvement, for the certainty of none. Unless you believe in Heaven, I suppose, but even then most religions frown on suicide so you're still headed the wrong way. :-) Whether you think you can or think you can't make things better, you're right. (I promised a cliche) There's a reason cliches exist - they're not just literary spam, these phrases are reused so often because they're SO true. I've amazed at the changes I've been able to affect in my own life, just by changing my mindset. I've gone from feeling pretty awful, to feeling pretty great. It's not easy to stay in that better place, and I fall off the wagon constantly, but I keep coming back around and hanging in there. Logically, there's no reason to do any different - there really isn't. If something sucks bad enough, change it. Don't say you can't because it's not true, and you know it. If you tell yourself you can't change it, you'll only feel worse because subconciously, you know you're lying to yourself and taking the easy way out.
I'm not saying that it can not be changed, just that the prospect of yet another drawn out struggle or battle for survival which may take another few years is something I can realistically take on any more due to my traumatic disorders.
I seek peace and quiet. I have been in the midst of utter chaos, with people attacking me from every angle, with no place or situation safe. As people who also have untreated PTSD etc. can tell you, it changes something inside you, makes it impossible to ever not feel hunted and threatened.
That's where I am at this point, and it's why I need some assistance. I can not take this step alone.
I am lousy with words but I can say this ... Maya is awesome, and it's a privilege knowing her, and if we ever meet in real life, she is getting a big hug from me. If she wants one, of course.
Thank You for letting me be your acquaintance. <3
Hang in there Maya. All best wishes from Norway :-)
- Mads Elvheim / Madsy from ##arm on FreeNode
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