Friday, 2 September 2011

Saving An Utterly Ungrateful World

All I ever wanted was for people... for everyone to be happy and have light hearts filled with joy. Not burdened by anything other than naivety and good intentions I set out to change the world, a long time ago.

What I didn't count on was the darkness which fills people's hearts. From the hostility and uncaring ignorance of psychologists and politicians, to the willful evil practiced by physicians, manipulating me into accepting a fate I would never be happy with, let alone could live with. As the saying goes, do not attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. With all the information out there and being taught at medical schools in particular, there can be no claim of ignorance. It's pure, undiluted, pitch-dark malice. Mutilating infants, teenagers and adults alike. Causing untold mental traumas.

And then the real kicker... those so-called organizations which claim to concern themselves with helping people like the intersex? They are only interested in petty politics. Try to find a single person who was helped directly by them and I'll be amazed. These organizations, whether they claim to campaign for intersex, transsexual or homosexual people, do not participate in any kind of public education, whether it's through demonstrations, providing educational materials to schools or even passing out leaflets. They do not provide shelters or other forms of direct care like the Red Cross does. There are countless volunteer organizations who manage to help thousands of starving or otherwise suffering people, and these 'human rights' organizations fail to do anything at all? How in heaven's name is this possible unless they are willingly pulling us, the victims, the wool over the ears?

When I was trying to get help in my situation, being persecuted, discriminated against and being denied medical help, I have begged organizations like OII to help me, and never got a single response from them. Yet when I had the nerve to design my own intersex logo and start a webstore ( I got attacked for using the male/female symbols ("symbols of our oppressors"). When I started my own organization ( for intersex rights, I got attacked viciously by people from OII. People I had never got a response out of suddenly started accusing me and others who had joined me of talking wrongly about them, slandering their name, and that they did help people directly (by talking...). That was when things kind of snapped inside of me.

Nearly seven years of dealings with physicians, politicians and psychologists have caused me enormous and permanent harm in the form of PTSD and virtually every other traumatic disorder in the books. It is beyond sad that I now have intersex 'activists' attacking me for having the nerve to questions their actions and daring to go my own course. Worse is that it is doing horrible things inside of me. More loneliness and rejection. More people accusing me of things which aren't true, forcing me to defend myself while I'd rather run away but I can't go anywhere... I spent about an hour crying today.

I have no desire to fight. All I wanted was to be happy. For everyone to be happy. Yet with the way things are now, I can find absolutely no joy in life. There is too much darkness covering everything. I hope to survive the coming months by abandoning my efforts to save the world and focusing just on myself. Hopefully that will keep the stress levels down enough to avoid triggering my traumas yet again. The thoughts flashing through my head during those episodes are far from pleasant. I'd rather not mutilate or kill myself...



Anonymous said...

I want to hug you. :<

vreer said...

Dear maya, do anything, *anything* that you ned to do to stay alive and /or keep your wits together. This means indeed anything. OK some things can get you in trouble with the law or religion but if that would help ..
Just one thing: don't be mean. That's all. And maybe have a peak at Hello Cruel World or watch Kate Bornstein tell how it can get better - not always immediately - but her message might find a good reception with you. It saved the lives of two very dear friends already.

Blaarp said...

We've always lived in dark times. There has always been a range of human experience from the sublime to the brutal, and stories reflect it. It's no less brutal now; each age has its horrors.

Please stay strong, and stay safe. There are many of us out here who support you and wish only the best for you. *big kitteh-hug* =^.^=

Nicky said...

This is why I would not deal with OII on intersex issues. OII is fast becoming irrelevant and because OII has many transgender people within their membership. OII has strayed away from their core focus of helping and advocating intersex people.

Anonymous said...

Me to