The Big Question Of Life's Worth

I do not like calling myself depressed, suicidal or any of such negative terms. What it's all about is a balance of life's offerings, past, present and future. So far my problem in making up this balance is that nothing can seem to weigh up against the terrible things done to me by the Dutch physicians, psychologists, politicians and police. It is the main thing which keeps me from seeing life in a positive light and actually consider the possibility that being alive can be a good thing.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... Dissociative Identity Disorder... they're all just words, but they are words which indicate an end condition caused by something so horrific one's mind can't deal with it and stay sane. Thus it's all filed away, like toxic waste dumped in the oceans. It's gone, but it's still there. You can't ever get rid of it. You can't ever deal with what has happened. Others can't see the gaping, constantly bleeding wounds in your face, on your abdomen, chest, limbs and everywhere else which make you look like something from a really gruesome horror movie.

What has happened is that all forms of happiness, joy and positive thinking have been ripped out of me by what I have experienced. The best I can achieve is a state of emotional numbness. Not being able to feel ever again would be a blessing. The images, sounds and other sensations of all those horrible things just won't leave me alone. Not when I'm awake. Not when I'm asleep.

What else does life have to offer to balance this out? What do you tell a soldier during a lull in the fighting when he has lost most of his comrades to enemy fire, as well as his wife, children and home during an enemy raid? What can one put against something so horrific to make life worth it again and stop all those horrible memories from appearing all the time, unwanted and hurtful?

I still haven't found that which will make me want to continue living. For now I'll just be sitting here, on a bench in front of the burned out remains of what used to be my innocence and home.


Maya