Yesterday was quite an unpleasant day. Not only did I have my traumas kicked to the point of feeling physically ill and even right now still suffering from severe flashbacks, but I also had the urologist I had an appointment with last week Tuesday call me and basically brush me off, telling me to find a German physician myself.
The former incident was a combination of two things. First was finding out two days ago that people had been talking about me on some random forum (http://www.rpgcodex.net/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=57009&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=2625), referring to me as a 'tranny' and such, which I found hard to ignore as it hits the uncertainty and lack of self-esteem I have pretty hard. The second thing was a girl admitting to me that she was involved in the production of amateur porn. That latter incident especially hit me very hard. Feeling 'physically ill' isn't strong enough a term to describe how I felt. I'm pretty sure the combination of both items caused me to wake up at around 3 AM feeling very suicidal.
It may seem extreme to respond so severely to someone admitting such a thing, but I have always had difficulty with people who participate in the 'adult entertainment industry', as the euphemism goes. After my rape, sexual assault/abuse, etc. this has turned into a strong aversion against anything related to pornography. I can't watch it, I can't hear about it... it just makes me feel very, very ill, both mentally and physically. With rapid medical care for my intersex condition and the right trauma care, I could probably reduce the severity of these responses, but so far it seems unlikely that this will happen any time soon.
The incident with the urologist was pretty screwed up as well. I and my mother had been calling the urology department of the hospital where this Dr. Zweers works repeatedly this week, but even yesterday he hadn't even so much as looked at the request for a status update which was put on his desk on Wednesday. When he finally called me yesterday at around 5 PM he said that he hadn't found anything useful during the three days he spent at that urologist conference in Germany, and could only give me the name of someone who might be a urologist in Frankfurt called M. Solm. A Google search didn't turn up anyone with that name. Needlessly to say, I feel that Dr. Zweers was trying to get off easily and didn't have the nerve to tell me so. It wouldn't be the first time I experience this with Dutch physicians.
Luckily my mother remembered the location of a German clinic which is quite nearby. I sent that clinic an email with the request. Hopefully they'll respond positively and I can still get an appointment for that orchiectomy within two weeks time or so. It would be so nice to have the legal gender change request filed with the judge before this month is past.
In other news, a Canadian friend (married man with children, nothing too suspicious :) ) offered to send my CV to some Canadian companies in the hope that one of them might hire me, sponsor my visa and that way get me into Canada. Canada is a pretty good country for intersex people from what I have heard and seen, has a healthy economy, very beautiful nature, my best friend ever lives there and most people I know online live in North-America. It would also be very helpful to live in a country of which I speak the language better than the language I learned first. For these reasons I hope that I can get into Canada. Somehow I have to get a stable future, and the Netherlands is not the place for that, as yesterday's incident with the physician has made clear yet again.
I would very much appreciate it if people could ask around at Canadian companies for me. My CV/resume and portfolio are available on my website, www.mayaposch.com. For the full CV with contact information you will have to contact me. Thanks in advance!
Maya
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