The month of January 2012 was quite harrowing. So many things have happened... the most upsetting of the new things happening was probably the psychiatric evaluation I was exposed to. As you may remember I was going to cancel the second appointment for this evaluation and consult a lawyer on what to do. On January 31st I had this appointment with a lawyer. She was able to inform me that there is no case against me contrary to what the psychiatrist told me. This is just the investigation, to see whether any further action is warranted. My lawyer recommended that I should not further participate in these evaluations as I have done one already and further participation will not benefit me.
I have informed the psychiatrist of this and as agreed with my lawyer I also told this psychiatrist that she was more than welcome to contact my psychotherapist on this. I got contacted by the NIFP, the forensic psychiatry department to which the psychiatrist belongs, to pass them the contact information for my psychotherapist. When I told my psychotherapist about this, his simple response was basically 'let them come'. I love having some proper backing. I hope that I can avoid any kind of punishment, as it'd either drain my financially or force me into labour for weeks. Also because I didn't do anything wrong. All that happened was that my PTSD/DID got triggered...
Moving on, I'm waiting to hear back from the SKGZ, the organization negotiating between healthcare insurance companies and their customers. My insurance company, Unive, refused to cover the expensive electrolysis therapy I require for the excess hairgrowth I got as a result of hormone imbalance, their excuse being that 'intersex' isn't on their list of conditions. The SKGZ asked for some photographs from me of the affected area, which I did. They seem to go for the comparison with transsexuals, as technically it is the same type of case. I hope this case gets settled soon, and Unive gets me the thousands of Euros they still owe me.
Last month I was also still struggling with the bad knee. It kept swelling up and hurting. I finally was able to convince my family doctor to refer me to a specialist for it (with lots of yelling at me... I won't see him ever again due to this). An X-ray and MRI scan were made of my right knee and the conclusion from the specialist was that there is no physical damage to the meniscus or ligaments. There is however damage to the bone surrounding it, which has been bruised. This is a slow-healing injury. Fortunately it's been almost a year since the injury occurred (police beating in May of last year) and the physiotherapist I consulted said that it should be fine now as long as I keep an eye on it. If it swells up again I should come back to him.
Talking about that police beating... Wednesday this week I got invited for a chat with a police officer as a result of the complaint I filed. It was an alright conversation, although they of course deny that anything was done wrong. Protocols can be so convenient. Tomorrow I'm seeing the two agents who did the arrest and the initial beating. It's definitely not easy to confront these people whom I can only associate with the pain and agony I suffered the past years. While the primary fault lies with the family doctor's office who lied about my traumas and didn't recognize the importance of being considerate, the police should never have treated me the way they did. They also claimed that they used force because I resisted during arrest, while my memory is that they started using force right away and I didn't resist until I nearly passed out from the pain in my wrists due to the cuffs which they refused to loosen up a bit... Not looking forward to this. I will most definitely never see the police as a friendly force ever again.
A couple of weeks ago the damages lawyer I had hired to represent me in the case against the Dutch hospitals dropped the case, using the report by her medical adviser as an excuse. I have fortunately found a new lawyer, Yme Drost, who is a relatively famous person and lawyer in the Netherlands. He has made my case into one of his personal projects. The coming weeks I'll learn about what Yme has in mind for this case. He's in talks with his US medical contacts about further DNA research to cement the medical side of my case, specifically the facts about my intersex condition. I hope to soon learn which direction he wants to take the case into: damages or human rights/discrimination. The latter is most likely.
Thanks to this new lawyer I did an interview for a relatively well-known Dutch newspaper, the TC Tubantia, which should be published next week. Hopefully it'll trigger invitations from other media channels as it's my first real news appearance. I did an interview for a Belgian magazine (Dag Allemaal) a few weeks ago as well. I'll put its scans online as soon as I have found someone to translate the article for me (four pages) from Dutch to English. Doing the translation myself is too upsetting.
At this point I'm still trying to leave the Netherlands as there is no way I could rebuild my life in the very country which has done its best to ruin it as completely as possible. An indication of how terrible my treatment in this country is can be found in the medical protocol used for me, of which the analysis can be found here: http://www.mayaposch.com/intersex-controversy.php. There is however no one going to help me leave the Netherlands. No one is going to help me rebuild my life. I will have to do it all by myself. To this end I have to find a job outside the Netherlands.
So far Nokia (job in Norway) has been useless. I did one interview, but they apparently do not have any positions open at this point as they keep promising to get back to me on the second interview yet don't do this. I think I'll have to give up on this possibility.
Last Friday I did a first technical interview with Google (Germany) after an initial phone screening. I think it went well. Hopefully I'll get a confirmation of a next interview next week. I could have a job with Google as a software engineer in about two months time. I sure hope it works out. I have no other options at this point to rebuild my life and I'm terrified of what'll happen if I do get rejected at Google. It'd probably shatter any last bits of self-esteem I still have left. Even now that things with this application are going fairly well and I'm feeling quite optimistic I am still plagued by suicidal thoughts.
What I want at this point is to have things go well and easy for a while. More fighting... more struggle... I can't use it. It's literally killing me. I know that I'm not even remotely happy at this point as I keep remembering the tranquility I felt before my last suicide attempt and it's still so much more attractive continuing to fight like this.
I don't want to die... but I also want to feel that tranquality... in life, or in death. Either will do.