Growing Up...

A few days ago I got the idea that to meet people around here it'd be best for me to get a job, as that'd make me some money as well. When talking about this idea with NG, we both agreed that it'd be hard for me to find a job which wouldn't make me drop dead from boredom within a week since I have only finished high school. He then suggested that I should start advertising my services locally, specifically computer consulting and webdesign.

Thinking about it I realized the simplicity and brilliancy in this idea, as it would allow me to use my existing skill set and company, do something I find interesting, meet people and earn money in the process. The next challenge was to make it all work, to which end I have been working to work out the logistics and other little details, such as getting a new mobile phone, to keep work and private separated.

The plan is to have a working business plan, advertisements, a functional website and other such crucial things ready by the end of next week. I find that working towards this goal is helping me a lot to deal with things.

Last Friday I sent an email to the German clinic which made my MRI scan, to ask for their assistance in this most confusing matter. I hope to receive a reply from them soon. I'll also try to get a referral letter for an appointment with a urologist, who could do some tests to see why what I have for male organs don't seem to perform the way they should, mostly with regard to the extremely soft skin there, the lack of sensation during intercourse and the inability to reach a male orgasm. To try getting some more information via this way was an idea from Alex, and it's yet again one of those simple and brilliant ideas. I just hope that the fact that I'm on a self-induced hormone therapy doesn't interfere with this.

As for matters of sexuality, it has been a downwards cycle. This morning alone I woke up with such an intense hatred against anything related to sexuality that it was almost frightening to feel myself harbor such intense feelings. It's as though something is dying inside me, to allow the parts of me which are still healthy to flourish. After the phone call from Rotterdam I had to go through yet another extreme confrontation with myself, during which I realized that no matter what, I can only be a woman, whether I want it or not. The latter expression relates to how I had to drag myself along emotionally to accept the things I encountered during the discovery of my body the past 3+ years.

When my mother and younger brother came to visit last time, they brought with them a few items. Inside a box I found an old picture of myself, on which I had to be around 16-17 or so. Looking at this picture made me realize yet again how little I remember of all those years that I was withdrawn into myself. As vivid as everything is now would be inconceivable to me at the time of that picture. Just looking at the empty staring eyes and the expression-less face on the picture makes me realize just how much things have changed.

I feel that I should take another picture of myself from the same angle, just to show to myself how much everything, how much I have changed. Though there are many more things which I would like to see changed... knowing what I am, knowing what things like friendship and love are... understanding why some people like to take weird pictures of themselves chained up whilst naked or covered with cow's blood, or even to whore themselves out. I would like to know what sexuality truly means, especially to me. If having contact with someone purely for sex results in me crying out my insides afterwards, I'm quite sure something is absolutely, totally wrong.

With about two weeks I'll hopefully meet up with a potential friend who lives here in Almere. I hope that the meeting with her works out, as I can't use yet another meeting resulting in a complete breakdown in communications and mutual understanding like before.

I'm so jealous and lonely and craving for love and attention like a small child... someone please pick me up and hug me and tell me you'll scare the monsters away so that I can finally get some sleep again.


Maya