Saturday, 15 August 2009

The Delusions Of Socializing

Things are going everything but smoothly prior to the UMCG appointment. Yesterday I had such a bad emotional collapse again that it left me fully drained with me falling asleep for two hours after the collapse itself of one full hour. The pervading thought appears to be that I'm a freak, something which is unnatural and that everything which is happening to me is a logical consequence of me having been born like this. Rationally I can't seem to get any grip on it, seeing as how I have to admit that my body isn't like that of the males and females around me and that I essentially do not have a place in society, especially not at the moment. It's just too hard, too impossible for me to deal with. I guess that's one thing where I once again need the media to find my place.

Today I decided to go to the gym again, which started off nicely, with the trainer who accompanied me and gym girl being present after a long vacation. Gradually, however, things got worse. First there was the lack of responsiveness on the side of the two staff members, people I had talked to before, knew about my issues and previously had no issues talking to me about it. Now they seemed very distant.

Another thing which really disturbed me was one guy at the gym who kept looking at me with a really creepy gaze. Whenever I glanced his way, he was looking straight at me and seemed to follow me around. The worst part was when at one point he was staring at me again and making... suggestive motions with one of his hands. At that point I felt almost sick to my stomach and was more than ready to go home.

All of it, today's events, the lack of actual socializing (not due to a lack of trying), gym girl ignoring me for months now no matter how I try to contact her, the distancing of the staff members and now creepy guys have made me decide to quit going to the gym. I'll cancel my subscription and be done with it. It's not like I need the exercise with me swimming a few hours every week already.

Right now I'm still not feeling alright, but I have made a promise to myself to at least remain faithful to my own dreams and plans for the future. I don't want to have the rest of my life ruined by humans whose lives are just pitiful and useless anyway. I'm worth more than that.

Anyway, work-wise things are going a bit tough as well, with me having wasted a few days on figuring out how to embed a layout engine like Gecko (Mozilla) or WebKit. The lack of useful documentation is excruciating, especially on Mozilla's side, with the wiki being a mixture of hopelessly outdated (1999, really?) and totally up to date (<1%) pages. Would make for a fun drinking game, I guess. One hit per outdated page, would leave one silly drunk after about ten minutes :D Right now I'm toying around with OffscreenGecko, which renders the output of the rendered page to a buffer which I can then use however I want. So far it seems promising.

So much to do, so little time...


No comments: