Saturday, 22 August 2009

Freak Of Nature

Freak: 1 (also: freak of nature) a person, animal, or plant which is abnormal or deformed.

I'm a freak of nature, a deformity or abnormality. I have no place in society, I might as well not exist. I should not exist. At this point it doesn't matter what further facts will be uncovered about my body, as it won't change anything about the conclusion. My existence will always be hell. I'll have to fight for everything, even just to be 'me', whatever the hell that's worth anymore at this point. From the looks of it I won't ever be able to change my official name or gender, even if I get acknowledged as being intersexual it still won't grant me a place in society, instead leaving me as an outcast.

I'll have to live on with a body that is mostly female and recognized as such by my environment, with male genitals which don't fully function (never have), with an official registration of that of a male (name, gender). I'll have to take hormones for the rest of my life (UMCG wants me to use transdermal patches instead of pills due to risk of thrombosis; I'd prefer injections over that due to visibility). I'll be alone no matter how many people I'll be able to call my friends.

I woke up earlier, at 1.30 AM, covered in sweat, heart pounding and with no memory of a nightmare or such, yet it appears I must have had one. I'm absolutely not feeling happy. While the above may sound very pessimistic, it is an accurate summary of my thoughts after yesterday's appointment.

Truth to be told, I still hope that I do have a vagina, as it'd make me feel a lot more 'normal', more like a 'special' female instead of something which looks like a female, yet isn't. That's the freak bit, with its usual gradations. I'd much prefer to be just a bit of a freak in a hermaphrodite sense than to be a big freak in a more twisted intersexuality form.

I'm feeling waves of bitterness and disappointment. Honestly, I'm not sure I can convince myself to go on if Germany's interpretation of the MRI images proves to be incorrect. It has kind of kept me going instead of just drowning in this bloody sea of despair that is intersexuality.

Ordering that overdose of sleeping pills doesn't sound like such a bad idea at this point. It's a welcome alternative to the pain I'd face if Germany is proven to be incorrect. I really wish I was kidding. Not that anyone not in my situation could ever understand it.

Please don't make me go through the pain...


1 comment:

Shaun said...

I don't really know you and I'm a total stranger to you, but all I can say is please don't kill yourself.

Life isn't necessarily easy for anyone, especially you obviously. But you seem to be a very intelligent, kind girl and it would be such a tragedy to lose you.

Others can be quite isolated as well for other reasons. I was always the odd one out and didn't have a good friend until my senior year of high school, and very few if any friends at all until then (probably due to having a bit of asperger syndrome).

The main thing isn't whether other people like you but whether you value yourself. There were years when nobody (my own age) liked me and I didn't care. So long as I worked hard and ignored them life was OK. Now that I have good friends it's so much better--please just be patient, use tunnel vision when needed and good things will happen for you, I promise!

I'm sure bad things will happen as well and you just have to bear with it as needed. But it will be worth it once you get to taste happiness (although, like me, you may have to wait a while before you get there).