Love

I don't want my body to be the center of controversy, of deceit and sorrow. I want to love it, to accept it. I want there to be a place for me as I am in this world, where I can be normal, just like everybody else. Virtually every part of my body and psyche has been debated, discussed, theories on it formed and rejected by some, accepted by others. Within all of this there is no place, no time, no space for 'me'.

Who am I? A human who calls herself Maya, who considers herself to be primarily female. A person who enjoys tinkering with technology, loves languages, science, music and the arts. Enjoys working on complex technological or logistical or scientific or... well, any issue that is complex enough to warrant her attention. She is sensitive to criticism, but does see the value of it and quickly adapts. Above all she wants everyone to be happy.

What am I? Human. Neither male nor female classification fits. Intersexual? Has to be. Evidence seems to suggest a female hermaphrodite, i.e. a hermaphrodite with a body which primarily leans towards being female. Seems fairly obvious and simple.

What does this mean for 'me'? Loneliness, being different, not even having a place on forms, during registrations and anything else requiring an official identity, as society officially doesn't acknowledge her as being primarily female ('f'), let alone as a hermaphrodite ('h'?). She has to adapt to a female role, ignoring the fact that she's a hermaphrodite. Ignoring a large part of what she is.

Today I read the first two chapters of the manga 'Aiesu' which you can read at http://www.mangavolume.com/index.php?serie=aiesu&chapter=aiesu-1&page_nr=1 and which involves a number of (fictional) stories on people (children) going through the painful experience of being intersexual. I recognized so much in those two chapters, especially the loneliness after deciding not to ignore being IS, and the pain of being different, of not being a part of 'normal' life, that I spent the next few hours in bed. Mostly crying, also reading a bit in my current book ('Good Omens', a very good book). Not until Pieter returned home from work and comforted me I began to settle down (after at least ten minutes).

Tomorrow is my next electrolysis session, will have to see when I'll schedule the next one. Friday appointment at UMCG, expecting the worst, hoping for salvation. Next week Wednesday appointment with therapist, not sure I feel like talking about my troubles, haven't found any method of transport I like yet either. Wish I could just borrow or rent a car. Maybe I'll just cancel.

Thursday magazine interview. Want to know the publication date. Hope it's my breakthrough in the media. I would love to talk at a seminar like in that Aiesu manga I linked to, to educate and inform people, especially since as that manga pointed out, 1 in every 2,000 children is born intersexual. Your child is more likely to be intersexual than that you'll ever win a significant prize in the lottery.


Maya