Friday, 28 August 2009

Half A Life

Yesterday was a very busy day, with an appointment with my GP in the morning and the magazine interview in the afternoon. I arrived early at the GP's office and she just happened to have some time free before my official appointment time, so we had half an hour instead of ten minutes to discuss matters.

She hadn't heard yet about the events at the UMCG, so she was quite happy that things had gone so well. She was almost overjoyed that she could prescribe the hormones to me now. The plan now is that I'll begin using with the Estradiol patches on Sunday, with a blood test after about four weeks of using them to check my hormone levels. I'll then switch back to the pills for a week which is when I'll have another appointment with my GP where I'll get the results of the blood test. She'll then prescribe the gel form of the patches, which I'll then also use for about a month to compare the gel and patches.

I also showed my GP an article on true hermaphroditism I had received from professor Weijmar Schultz during the appointment. She asked me to make a copy of it at the reception desk, which I did after our appointment was over. I admitted to her that I hadn't read it through yet, as it was kind of painful to me to read.

Once back home I had breakfast/lunch and awaited the arrival of the journalist for the magazine interview. The interview lasted about 2.5 hours, during which I told her just about everything. I thought things went quite well, and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation. She hadn't seen the pictures from the photoshoot yet, so I showed them to her. The pictures definitely got her approval, and I got yet another "You could be a model" comment :)

She will have the article written in about a week time, after which it'll be submitted to the magazine. How long it'll take until publication I do not know yet. The journalist said she'll ask when she submits the article, but said that considering how quickly the photoshoot got arranged it'll definitely be sooner rather than later. My own estimate is within a month from now :P

At this point I'm thus waiting for: magazine publication, TV documentary broadcast, MRI discussion results, genetical test results, and endocrinological results. After Pieter submits his email to a few politicians on the gender change issue the wait will be on for what their response will be as well.

As I also pointed out to the journalist during the interview, I really can not use or develop my emotional side as long as I don't know what I am, physically. I do know who I am, but I don't know what I am, and the effect of that is essentially that everything but intellectual matters are very hard to downright impossible for me. It's like half of my existence is being denied with a female body which isn't female, an official identity which denies how people around me see me, and an inability to explain to anyone, including a potential girlfriend what I actually am other than a freak of nature. It all hovers right on the very edge of what is still bearable, though I get more than a few glimpses of the abyss each day.

I still hate waiting...


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