Friday, 24 February 2012

Not A Pittance Out Of Pity, But A Gift Out Of Admiration


First some updates. My lawyer, Yme Drost has informed me that the first US laboratory he contacted has informed him that they can not help with the DNA test for my case. He's awaiting the answer from a second US laboratory. The journalist has offered to contact one of the largest Dutch newspapers regarding the news article. I hope it gets published in there too, as it'd greatly help me cause.

Finally, I got what should be the last letter regarding the first welfare I was on. Basically I do not have to pay the money back as they have accepted my income statement for 2010. I'm hoping that I'll soon hear back from SKGZ on the coverage for the electrolysis therapy by my insurance company, hopefully with good news. It'd be nice to get back the 5,000 Euro they still owe me.

Moving on, regarding the news article publication and the likely subsequent media attention, people have suggested that I might get offered a job or similar as a result of said attention so that I can leave the Netherlands. Some said that it'd not be a good thing to accept a job offered as a result of what amounts to pity. I'd beg to differ with them on that notion. Wouldn't the offer in such a case be the result of admiration and the desire to assist? If people donate money to me, are they doing it out of pity? Discuss.

As a final item I'd like to touch upon something which I have talked about before. Today I discussed it again with my beautician. For a while now I have been wanting to go to a sauna or spa, as a way to confront myself with my body and learn that there's nothing wrong with it. Part of my namely strongly believes that because I am a freak that there is no way I can partake in such things.

I'd very much appreciate it if someone could help me with this, taking away the uncertainty about how to behave at such a place and offering emotional support as I'm confronted with lots of people being naked without there being anything sexual about it, just relaxing. Hopefully if nobody responds in a negative manner to me it might restore... something inside of me which I can feel isn't right yet.

Years ago I could feel it as well, although back then I interpreted it completely wrong as I was still suffering from the effects of getting raped and was going to partake in something which would just hurt me even more. I think that my current proposal is a far healthier one. I just need some support to take the step, like with almost everything in my life these days as I gradually rebuild it and myself.

Does wanting to help me mean acting out of pity? Or is it something else?


Maya

4 comments:

Jen-jen said...

As with everything in life, it is a matter of perspective. One could view such as offer as gratuitous pity or one could adopt the attitude or view that this step is a step closer to participating in the average everyday pursuits that others engage in, namely employment.
It depends largely on your aspirations and goals. If working and having a job provides an opportunity that enables you to positively progress along your life path, then one may ask "does it matter" to your overall desire for wanting to work, to know why someone chooses to employ you? The journey has to be undertaken to reach the destination. This is but a fact of life for most people regardless of their health or life issues.
Personally, I do not care what my employers reasons are for employing me or what they stand to gain from employing me, as this is the deal...they employ me and pay me and I care less as it is the benefits of working that it is most important to me.
Pity money is the same colour and value as empathetic or merit money, it provides us with essential commodities and services that we require or would it be more beneficial to reject the job offer and constantly struggle with the lack of personal finances and forfeit or prolong the attainment of all the benefits that working and having a job provides, like heightened self worth/esteem, relief from the strains of being viewed negatively and possibly stigmatised for being unemployed, being able to purchase items and goods/services in a more timely fashion instead of having to scrape pennies together from funds that you have not got enough of to begin with. Generally when one is unemployed there is very little or absolutely no surplus money left to save for treatments or rainy days. Nobody says that you must continue to work for this employer for the remainder of your life and we all know that it is easier to get a new job when one is currently employed. Regardless of the reasons that may be behind the offer a job, I guess the old cliche of "don't bite the hand that feeds you" is apt here. I do not show my appreciation of being offered a chance to improve my personal situation by kicking the giver in the knackers or slapping them in the puppies.
Ultimately you must make this decision for yourself as you are the one who must live with the consequences of this decision. After years of being lied to, we can all too easily become very negative and suspicious about everything, even positive opportunities.
If you do not try out this job then how will you know if you'd have enjoyed it or not or if it has a positive effect and change with your life. If it turns out that you do not like the job or the reason you were offered the job, then, you have another choice and option to quit, give your pitying employer the two-fingered salute grab your coat, hat and gloves and return to your life as it is now at this very moment.
"Act in haste and repent at leisure" is a phrase that a prison officer once shared with me on my way to receive a sentence one fine morning. Indeed this phrase stuck with me and has prevented me from repeating my offending behaviour and making impulsive decisions for my satisfaction sake.
People who may suggest that the job offer is an offer due to pity, I ask this "Are you going to pay for or donate sufficient funds to me in order that I can proceed with my life and lifestyle?".
However do not sell yourself and your skills short, it's not about the employer, it's about your quality of living Maya and how you will achieve this.

Jack said...

I wouldn't donate you money because of pity. I would donate money for something like a "good reason" e.g. if I knew that you would do something to get people accept a "third gender" because we all need to accept and care for each other.
Of course I don't know what others think or do, but I think you don't have to feel like "people only donate because they feel pity". So far my discussion on that ;)
So, to come to your second question, it may be action out of pity or may not. Supposedly both is true.
Finally compassion is a very normal and human feeling which is necessary for our society I think. Of course it doesn't "feel" that "good" if someone helps you out of pity (I know this feeling since I have cancer), but.... sometimes you need compassion to reach your aims ;)
You'll feel this good feeling only if friends help you. So, i probably doesn't matter why people help you, does it?
Finally it's all about how you feel and how you can handle with your feelings :)
Sorry for my bad english^^ I'm native bavarian speaker :D

Ford said...

While good reactions or even a lack of reactions might be beneficial, what impact would negative reactions have upon you? In your situation, I cannot say that I would have your bravery. That said, I wish you the best.

As regards help from others, I have made it a goal in my life to work for everything I have, take no charity, and no welfare. I do not begrudge others these things, and I do donate to charity. My issue with it is that I want no pity, I want nothing to do with money that is taken from others against their will as with welfare, and I want to know that when I die I have created wealth rather than consumed it.

Just my $0.02

Jen-jen said...

Regarding your first question about visiting a spa or sauna.....all my life I have wished to participate freely just as others do in gym, swimming pool,at the beach etc, occasions when it is generally acceptable by most societies and cultures to be scantily clothed in the vicinity of others. Due to my visible and mixed anatomy differences I have never enjoyed this pleasure yet. Rather than set myself up for possible rejection or violent acts from Joe & Josephine Public I refrain from engaging in such pursuits.
I believe that it is in my better interest to stay away from such activities until such time as I have received the necessary surgery that I choose to have performed on myself this time round, in order to align my physical characteristics with what is accepted by general culture.
This of course is problematic for me to such an enormous extent as one who is physically intersex . I should not be made feel that in order to be accepted by the majority opinion in society that I must surgically change my physical anatomy before this mark of approval is offered to me as a citizen of planet earth.
However, with that said, it is my responsibility to make life as comfortable as possible for myself, I do not like certain bitz of my anatomy, this is my personal view, not shaped in any way by society pressure or opinion. I am taking the necessary steps to reverse the effects of some of the medical "treatment & interventions" that were performed upon me when I was a child. When this is complete then I can engage in public undraped activities, because I shall be comfortable with how I look to myself, I am doing this for me, not society.
For the moment there is enough unwelcomed drama in my daily and nightly life to contend with without me adding more things to my life that will negatively impact on my mental health, hence I stay away from exposing myself in public.
I do agree with Ford on the point regarding compassion though, pity may be mistaken as compassion, it is a matter of personal perception.
Thank you.