Today I got a call from my Google recruiter informing me that they won't be considering me for a job. When asked for the reason the answer was that there was none. I can't re-apply for a year now, so together with their random selection procedure there is no chance I'll ever try applying again. Within a year I'll either have found a way out of this Hell, or died.
It's yet another bitter reminder that I can not expect any outside help. Applying at a job only results in rejection, as the many attempts during this and last year have proven. At this point I can feel that it has destabilized me to a point which is borderline fatal. The numbness followed by the intense sorrow is typical. Not that people who claim to support me understand this, though. Their mindless advice is to just try and try again, ignorant of the agony the additional stress and intense pain of rejection causes me.
The last shreds of hope I have left involve my own company and the projects I'm working on together with my only true friend, Trevor. Maybe with two months time we'll have managed to have launched a few games and get some real revenue going.
There's also maybe the media. This week I expect to hear back from the journalist of the Dutch newspaper TC Tubantia on the article they're publishing on my story. It could finally kickstart the acknowledgment of my situation and those of countless others like me. There's every chance that it'll just fizzle out again, though.
Why shouldn't I end my existence again? That was a rhetorical question, I guess...
Cue the people complaining that I'm just playing the 'suicide card' again.
Whatever... there's no way I can express this pain without sounding like a whining idiot. Guess what? I am the fool here.