Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The Undesirables; Nobody Cares About Your Suffering

Today I got a call from my Google recruiter informing me that they won't be considering me for a job. When asked for the reason the answer was that there was none. I can't re-apply for a year now, so together with their random selection procedure there is no chance I'll ever try applying again. Within a year I'll either have found a way out of this Hell, or died.

It's yet another bitter reminder that I can not expect any outside help. Applying at a job only results in rejection, as the many attempts during this and last year have proven. At this point I can feel that it has destabilized me to a point which is borderline fatal. The numbness followed by the intense sorrow is typical. Not that people who claim to support me understand this, though. Their mindless advice is to just try and try again, ignorant of the agony the additional stress and intense pain of rejection causes me.

The last shreds of hope I have left involve my own company and the projects I'm working on together with my only true friend, Trevor. Maybe with two months time we'll have managed to have launched a few games and get some real revenue going.

There's also maybe the media. This week I expect to hear back from the journalist of the Dutch newspaper TC Tubantia on the article they're publishing on my story. It could finally kickstart the acknowledgment of my situation and those of countless others like me. There's every chance that it'll just fizzle out again, though.

Why shouldn't I end my existence again? That was a rhetorical question, I guess...

Cue the people complaining that I'm just playing the 'suicide card' again.

*bitter laugh*

Whatever... there's no way I can express this pain without sounding like a whining idiot. Guess what? I am the fool here.


Maya

5 comments:

Alicia Magnus said...

I can't think of anything to say that would make any difference to you, but I would definitely miss you? I think the world is better with you then without?

zach said...

i just started reading you so I'm not fully aware of your situation but hang in there champ. You may not realize how much of an impact you have on others until you can't make it.
People care.

JohnB said...

Job hunting can be so depressing even not considering other problems to deal with. It takes so many applications and interviews, and persistence even after you've given up on yourself. I went through that recently. I'm so sorry to hear how tough things are right now. They can get better (I know it sucks to hear that now). I wish I could help more.

itbcn8 said...

We care very much, and it's not just because we're "random people on the internet".

Over the last few months as I have been following your blog and g+ page I feel like I have gotten to know a new friend.

My only advice is to learn to OWN it, learn to love yourself and not care what EVERYONE else thinks, not even Google.

Please don't do anything drastic, you are LOVED!

alex said...

hugs Maya, I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

I have your petition on my blog now and hope you get a lot of signatures.

Let me know if there is anything else I can do because my blog is for advocates of all kinds of mental health.