Saturday, 6 June 2009

First Nightmare

I just woke up from my first nightmare ever. Before I start the analyzing and crying and everything, I first wanted to write it down:

I felt like I had been waiting for someone to save me from this, but then I knew with certainty that this person would not be helping me. I was lying on an operating table, I could see a surgeon preparing some equipment one of which looked very much like a scythe. I watched on in fear. Then the surgery started and I felt something penetrate my lower back, causing tremendous pain, even through the sedation or so which I had been given.

Then they stopped and I felt the pain lessen. One doctor in the room said something like "Let's see whether your larynx is still compatible now." and I saw these clear plastic tubes being assembled, a T-shape. Then my voice was being tested without me consciously doing the talking or such. I just felt myself wondering some related things, including how normal my voice seemed if I didn't pay too much attention to it or so, what they had done to me, whether I now had an Adam's apple or so.

Then I heard doctor De Ronde of the VUMC talking together with some others, things I don't really recall anymore, but which were essentially nonsense medical stuff, things I knew to be false, but which he stated with certainty. I felt both outrage and fear throughout it.

The next moment I found myself caught in the realization that I had to escape. I left the operating table, left the room, found myself running through corridors, past people who hardly paid notice to me, first screaming, then yelling for help. Then I found myself in a dead end, and I knew this would be the end.


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