Friday, 19 June 2009

Exhaustive Changes

Wednesday Pieter scanned in the documents and referral letter prepared by my GP at the request of the UMCG and emailed them. Later that day professor Weijmar Schultz emailed me, mentioning that he'd be willing to organize an appointment to have the MRI images analyzed in my presence and asked whether I had the MRI scans, which I did. I had him download both sets from my webserver.

Not having napped during the day, I went to lie down and rest a bit at around 8 PM, and promptly fell asleep to wake up at around 12 AM or so. Not wanting to stay awake until I felt sleepy again, I decided to take the sleeping pill available to me and slept until 7 AM afterwards.

Thursday started with an appointment at the dentist's office for a regular check-up, which I passed without any issues. Yay me for proper dental care :) After the dentist appointment I had planned to go the gym since I passed by it on my way back anyway, and so I did. I spent just over an hour there.

A few hours after returning home I received an email from professor Weijmar Schultz, informing me that he had received the MRI scans, and would discuss my case at the next meeting of the gender team of the UMCG on July 1st. This was kind of disappointing news to me. More heartening was the phone call I got from my mother. She had been talking with her therapist, Engel Vrouwe, about my case, and he was very willing to help me. She told me that the insurance company will pay for the therapy sessions and that therapists can also request medical tests, unlike psychologists and psychiatrists. Engel Vrouwe thought that a chimera test would be a very good idea.

For some reason, though, I couldn't stop crying after that phone call, so I didn't send an email to Engel Vrouwe, but planned to do it the next morning. The rest of the day I felt both extremely tired yet was unable to nap or rest. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep at night too, annoying Pieter until he went to bed at around midnight. I managed to fell asleep after a while too, only to awake at 3.30 AM again, with countless thoughts assaulting me, leaving me unable to sleep any more. One thought kept reoccurring for some reason, though, namely that of finding my own evidence in the MRI scans.

I got out of bed and sat down behind my PC, opening up both sets of MRI scans and using Google to find comparison MRIs and anatomical information. I learned a few things. First of all that the conclusions by the German clinics appear to be correct. There is an unmistakable 'tube' running from just around the edge of the bladder down, with the shape, position and orientation matching up perfectly with comparison MRIs and anatomical drawings. It can be seen on both sets of MRI images, both on top and side views. There is no part of male anatomy which would fit this.

Another thing I learned was that whoever interpreted the first set of MRI images at the VUMC should have his/her eyes checked, as the report mentions "two testicles symmetrically with a volume of about 14 mL each", yet on the MRI images themselves only one testicle is visible on all slides, since because my testicles haven't fully descended one of them was retreated into the body and thus not visible. This is also the case on the Erasmus MRI slides.

So in short, it seems that Germany was right that there is at least 'something' and that here in the Netherlands people are 100% wrong on every account, even seeing things which aren't there. I feel quite disappointed that apparently my history at the VUMC before the MRI scan or such has possibly made me a persona non grata in the Dutch medical world and thus caused me to drift for years from hospital to hospital with no one even planning to actually help me. It justifies my feelings of bitterness and pessimism, I guess.

Around 6 AM I had finished my research and by that time felt very weak, sick and nauseous, so I went back to bed, but couldn't sleep until 7 AM, after which I napped for half an hour. I can honestly say I haven't felt as tired and worn-out as I have today, and the day isn't even over yet. The closest I have come so far to this level of tiredness, minus the headache, was when I stayed up 30+ hours straight when flying to/from Canada.

Yet back then I could actually fall asleep, even sleep somewhat on the crappy seats in Economy Class. When I tried to sleep today, though, I simply couldn't, with many thoughts just keeping me awake.

Today I did some other useful things, though. I arranged things with the welfare desk for the BBZ welfare thing. As it turned out their online form wasn't "working as it should", so they never received my request. Fortunately I was able to give my info over the phone, so that I will get the forms tomorrow or next week.

I also sent an email to Engel Vrouwe, telling him that therapy and the benefits it offered sound attractive to me. I will discuss going to a therapist with my psychiatrist next week Tuesday. Main issue with the therapist idea so far is that Engel Vrouwe and a colleague of him both live 2+ hours of travel from me (Leeuwarden and Groningen), which would be kind of expensive in terms of travel expenses. According to Engel Vrouwe I can get some money for this from the government. I'll have to check up on that.

Right now I'm working on bits and pieces for the KKE game, as well as a test world for upcoming games, particularly The Pink Particle and Nuigurumi no Kyuuden. Expect screenshots/videos next month :)


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