Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Utter Despair

On Monday I didn't go to the gym even after an invitation by gym girl as I was feeling nauseous. Instead I went to bed at around 8 PM, woke up shortly at around 10, felt absolutely terrible, mentally and physically, took a sleeping pill which didn't work, started crying and throwing pillows through my room, got comforted by Pieter and slept until the next morning afterwards.

Tuesday I primarily did some research on welfare, as a way to get temporary income until we can release our games. I thought I could get it via the regular method, a law called the WWB, but since I have a company I found myself directed to another provision, called the BBZ, for which I need to visit the local Social Services ('Sociale Zaken') here in Almere. I was planning to do that the next day.

That night, however, I went to bed at around 9.30 PM, tried to sleep for a while but felt so restless, so agitated and disgusted with my body that I ended up seeking comfort upstairs with Pieter, after first crying for a while and punching myself repeatedly. While I was sitting there, watching Pieter play in World of Warcraft, getting wiped against the same boss over and over again, I just couldn't help stop crying. I must have cried for nearly an hour or so. I just felt so much despair inside me. Pure, raw despair.

As I told Pieter this, he said he'd call the UMCG tomorrow to ask about their progress there, possibly make an appointment. After crying a lot more, I ultimately felt so drained that I decided to go back to bed, after which I fell into a rather restless sleep.

Today I woke up feeling numb inside. I actually did some programming on the AI I have been working on for a while. It's also the first application I'm writing in Ada, which is an interesting experience, but very pleasant so far. Later that day I had to take a 2.5 hour nap, though, as I felt completely exhausted. I felt a lot better after that nap.

I returned from the gym about an hour ago and took a shower earlier. As I'm sitting here I feel rather disgusted with everything. Or perhaps bitter. Or perhaps disappointed. Or a bit of everything. I got an email from my mother yesterday, telling me that she won't talk with Engel Vrouwe about my case until the 18th. She also told me that I'm invited to a dinner at my older brother's house with my mother and younger brother. I really don't feel like going as I absolutely loathe to see my brother together with his current girlfriend. Lately my hatred/jealousy/whatever of males and my disgust at seeing them together with females has taken on such a strong form that I don't even want to consider the thought.

Pieter also forgot to make that phone call today. Now I have no idea when he'll be able to call. Not that it matters, I guess. I won't ever get a real identity at this rate, leaving me only to curse the day I was born with this freakish body. I don't want this stupid body. I never asked for it. I hate it. It disgusts me. I can't stand watching others being all happy with their bodies. All that I have is my intelligence. I wish I could just rip out my emotions and never feel anything again.


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