Thursday, 4 June 2009


The events of last Tuesday apparently had affected me more than I had expected. As you may have noticed on my Twitter stream, I couldn't sleep until 3 AM, resulting in me getting about 3 hours of sleep that night.

At the gym yesterday I wasn't feeling too well. My gym girl noticed it soon already and I told her a bit about what had happened the day before, involving an argument with a friend and that I was feeling kind of upset about it still. I was still feeling out of it even after that first conversation, though. Gradually I began to develop this piercing headache until I couldn't really do any exercises anymore.

While we were sitting at the bar in the gym, we came upon the topic of going to a sauna or so, at which point gym girl recalled an offer for a spa, called the 'Zwaluwhoeve' here in the Netherlands. If things work out we'll be going there this month with our regular trainer, gym girl and her sister. And me of course. I feel kind of nervous/scared about it, though, as always when it comes down to the physical body, I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I'm... different. I'm still not sure how to think about it exactly, or how to handle it. It really does bother me, though.

Today was another confrontation with this difference. We had EU elections today here in the Netherlands. First time I voted using a paper ballot, by the way. As I may have mentioned before, on my election pass (required to vote) I received by mail my official name was listed, preceded by the dutch version of 'Mr'. At the election office when Pieter and I went to vote the man behind the table did say that the election pass said 'Mr' and that it wasn't right. Even though my ID card confirmed it as well, I was still allowed to vote after telling him it was 'a long story'.

I still felt quite embarrassed, though. I also don't know what the people there were thinking. As said before, I absolutely can't stand it when people think I'm some disgusting transsexual or so. I hate it how I can't seem to value my body at all simply because I don't know what it is and things are so confusing to my environment as well. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Today it's also only 3 more months until my next birthday, a thought which incredibly depresses me. I feel like my life is a gigantic waste, especially with me having been given this retarded body which I can stand less and less every day. What really is the point of it?



Jan said...

Although de Zwaluwhoeve is near the city where I live I have never been to it but it as a good reputation.
I must warn you: it is not cheap!
By the way, as you are near my home,maybe you want to drop in for a cup of tea :-)
Anyway, have fun.

Maya Posch said...

Yeah, I have heard a fair bit about the Zwaluwhoeve too :)

We'll see about that cup of tea ;)