Clarifying Matters

First I'd like to clarify some things I said in my previous blog post. Mostly I may have given the impression that I'm going to quit with my current therapists, but I have no intention of actually doing so, it's just one of the semi-random urges I feel lately. When stressed I really want to withdraw into myself and deny anyone, even those who may want to help me. During the 15 years that I was fully withdrawn even my own mother couldn't get close to me. I wouldn't even let her touch me. I understand that if I want to get help, I'll have to push through this strong desire.

Further, I looked at the link Cailin Coilleach provided in his comment to two blog posts ago, namely the one to an article at Wikipedia on Conversion Disorder, or conversiestoornis as it's called in Dutch. Link to English article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversion_disorder. The English article also provides more information than the Dutch article. I found particularly the items on the assuming of weird postures (like a strongly curved back) and difficulty with controlling one's limbs very interesting.

From reading the article it does appear to be a match and explanation for many symptoms I have had even as a child, including the loss of much of sensory sensitivity (auditory, olfactory, touch, etc.), things I only became aware of after they were (partially) reverted. Even to this day I still have many times when I can not smell anything but the most strongest smells whereas at other times even the most delicate smell doesn't remain undetected by me. I have linked this to stress before, but this is the first full explanation which could account for it.

It would also explain the time when I lost control over my body and could only lie literally paralysed on the floor while being painfully aware of everything including my own (hysterical) laughter. I guess that one event alone is already a very strong indication that this may indeed be a case of conversion disorder. As noted in the Wikipedia article: "Conversion disorder is a condition where patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, paralysis, or fits, but where positive physical signs of hysteria can be found. It is thought that these problems arise in response to difficulties in the patient's life, and conversion is considered a psychiatric disorder [..]".

Or, to put it into really basic terms: the stress is getting to me. It builds up to a point where it can no longer be contained and is expressed in physical behaviour which is generally deemed 'hysterical'. I do not believe I would need to explain the most probable cause(s) for this stress.

This morning I once more found how I'm creating my own hell. After a few hours at the pool I really was spent emotionally, even though I did have had a good night's sleep. Almost every time I saw or heard about a couple, family, parent with child I began to feel very sick, with a severe, sharp headache and a sensation of despair. I even began to feel this way when Pieter was on the phone earlier, talking about an upcoming wedding of a friend of his. I just left the room and began to do laundry. When he asked afterwards whether I was okay, I answered negatively and I explained it to him. I honestly do not think that anyone who hasn't felt anything like this can understand the pain it brings with it. The interactions between men and women in relationships plus sexuality in general are considered to be pleasant, yet I do not remotely see them like that, more as a kind of torture methods.

Why do I think like this? How can I make it stop? How can I keep those flashbacks from occurring? Why does everything have to come back to me even during casual conversations? I really don't know... I just know that it makes my life into an excruciating hell at times.

I expect that a quick resolution of the medical issues I'm dealing with will help greatly with those psychological problems, which is why I have even emailed professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG on moving the appointment forward. I do not expect a reply, though.

People have asked me why I seem to expect the UMCG to either confirm Germany or the VUMC when it comes to the MRI reports, and why I deem Germany to be correct. I believe that my reasoning in the two reports I put on my site is sound enough on why I believe Germany's reports to be the most likely correct. As the only two general points of views on the MRI images seem to center on 'hermaphrodite' vs 'nothing remarkable' it seems likely that the UMCG will pick either one of them, and if it's the former point of view, it adheres to the only two reports which are technically sound, and thus it would be something I can go along with. If it's the latter point of view, there'd be a lot of questions I would want to ask the radiologist in question.

In response to the comments to my earlier blog post, I won't be discussing this matter any time soon on any forum I frequent (mostly HardForums.com now), as I realize the futility of doing so. I'll also gladly accept any thoughts on how to separate my business and personal identity.


Maya