During my talk with Engel Vrouwe and Inge Wingbermuhle last Tuesday Inge especially mentioned how my emotional side needs to be merged into the rest of my being, and that the mental blockages I have in place, especially those keeping me from accepting myself as I know I am, will have to be removed somehow. This issue was addressed in my communications with Engel Vrouwe the past few days too, specifically with regard to my emotional collapses. Apparently I should not fight against unpleasant memories and thoughts and just let them do whatever it is they do. Usually making me cry. At any rate starting yesterday I have quit fighting against those things.
One thought or sensation which has come up in me yesterday night and hasn't left me yet is quite interesting. At this point it's quite undeniable that I am a hermaphrodite, or a hermaphrodite girl as I prefer to see myself. I find much relief in knowing this, as at least it gives me an identity and place. Of course, since hermaphrodites are so rare I know nobody who is like me. I think that accounts for the intense sense of loneliness I have experienced for the past years. Someone who isn't at least intersexual can not possibly grasp what it is like to fall outside the black/white 'reality' of male/female. Hermaphrodite is the shade of grey inbetween, where both are present, but neither are necessarily dominating.
I have no desire to become male or female, because that isn't what I am. I'm not male. I'm not female. I'm hermaphrodite. The third sex. This is what I have always known myself to be subconsciously and it is what I will accept without complaints. Nobody can take this away from me, not even doctors and psychologists who think that committing fraud and confusing me even to the point of committing suicide is an appropriate action in my case.
This is my identity, it is mine and mine alone. Being hermaphrodite is something I share with a small group of others, people I don't know yet and while I feel extremely nervous about meeting other hermaphrodites, they're nevertheless the only people who can truly understand the pain and joy of being like this.
Not that I fully understand everything yet. How to exist as a third sex in this society for one. There are no checkboxes on forms saying 'hermaphrodite', only male and female. While female would be closest in my case, it still isn't the full truth. In many other situations too there is no awareness of hermaphrodites, most people don't even know we exist. That's something I would like to change. To benefit everyone like me.
I hope to get the final confirmation from the medical tests within a few months time and wrap up this nightmare at long last before the year has ended. It is saddening and ironic that the ones who have held all of this back are regular males and females. Through lying, deception and fraud they have tried to brainwash me into believing I was a transsexual boy, was something else (autoparagynaecophilia? Get lost), or undefinable. At this point I do not trust the Dutch medical world one bit. They've stolen 4.5 years from me, years I won't ever get back. And to what purpose? Since I can't think of a rational reason for their actions other than pure evil, I hope that I and others like me will suffer no more harm from people like them. They'd actually rather prefer to let people commit suicide than help them. If that isn't evil I don't know what is.
Yes, I'm incredibly angry and frustrated about those... things who call themselves human beings, yet are more like demons, making the life of real humans miserable. My hatred against them knows no bounds.