Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Forget It...

A few days ago I got back on the forum to resume posting in an old thread of mine there. Starting yesterday it erupted again in a orgy of people accusing me of lying, of being insane, of being just a crazy guy, of not being able to accept that I'm transsexual, and so on.

You know what? I'm really, absolutely not out to prove anything here. I just want to know what in the world my body is about, as it is clearly neither male nor female. There are some theories out there which fit the available (physical) evidence better than others, and those I will of course gravitate to.

But really... what is it that I feel after reading the last string of posts in that forum topic? Mostly a sense of despair, of wanting to give up, of wondering whether I really am crazy and others the sane ones.

Above all I would like to shut down my site, erase the Youtube video, wipe my blog and... I don't know. It's clear at least that I don't have to expect anything from anyone at this point.

Still a month until my next appointments... like it matters. I don't give a damn about what I am or am not right now. All I feel is this pain inside, and frustration... @#$#$%#$

Everyone can just drop dead for all I care, and this body of mine should die with it. I hate it. I hate everything. This will be my last post on this blog. I'll probably wipe it soon anyway.


Foppe said...

Hang in there Maya. I think its downright courageous to be this open about yourself on the web.

I'm sure you're not the only one going trough this, hence your website and blog could be of value to others.

Never mind what half of these fools on GoT say about you. They dont know you, nor can they possibly know how you feel.

There's a place on this world for everyone. Yes, for you too.

Please dont despair, but try to focus on the positive ( even when its hard to do so )

For what it's worth, you have a really nice smile ^___^

And if people think you are crazy.. they must be from some other planet, 'cause you look perfectly sane to me.


Roy T. said...

It was outrageous, that thread just bombed away in rudeness so sad because I usually applaud threads like that because people really open up there and you can see what's going on in other people's personal lives (normally a well kept secret).

I hope you can still find the power to just continue posting there (and here) just ignore the rude people, they haven't gotten anything constructive to say anyway (note: some people might act a bit 'furious' but are not rude they just forget that it's not exact science we are dealing with here but feelings as well).

I hope the last few posts bring some calmth back in that thread.

Good luck,


Virginia Kat said...

Maya, don't focus on the negativity, not everyone was treating you in a disrespectful manner although I can imagine it is hard to see that sometimes.

Just hang in there, life is a bitch but there is enough what makes it worth living in spite of al the shit you sometimes have to take.

You have a goal but that is not your destiny, your destiny is to live your life as you see fit, remember that!

Take care.


zakir ahmed said...

dont take those things seriously .. they are just outright arrogant people who dont know u completely , so stop caring about what those kinda people think.Its easy to give up but it takes tons of courage to fight ( thats what you have been really doin ) . So have a smile as Foppe said ^__^

Cailin Coilleach said...

Hey Maya,

Thought i'd leave this message before you close this blog (or not). As i mentioned at Tweakers some of the things you describe remind me of my troubled ex. With regards to the attacks you described where you lose control of your body or muscles, I thought I'd leave you the following link. My ex had similar attacks and this was one of the things she was diagnosed with.

Good luck!