Sunday, 5 July 2009

Pain And Confusion

Despite the relatively optimistic tone of my last post, matters are still everything but resolved. Without official recognition there still remain the issues of my official identity, possibilities of surgery, continuing uncertainty about what is going to happen and of course why fraud was committed to hide certain facts. It's an absolutely distressing thing to be aware of the fact that people care so little about you that they'd rather see you dead. Especially since there can be no official recognition without such people.

I feel a certain sense of panic whenever I think of how it's been 1.5 years since the first MRI scan was made and that nobody seems to give a damn about getting some finality on it. I'm getting so sick of not knowing, of having to suppress anything my body suggests and anything I may desire because I don't know. I have not known for long enough now to begin not giving a damn about anything any more. Yes, I'm pretty much panicking at this point. I honestly don't know what I'm doing it all for.

One more piece of bad news and I swear I'll go crazy... the past few days have been and still are a living hell. I'm having trouble finding any sense of normality in my surroundings. Everything seems to be a painful reminder of current events, of past events, of... or else it just reminds me of how I'm outside everything. I'm not part of society, I'm an outsider, a nobody. I hate hoping that things will ever turn out right because every time I think like that something horrible happens.

Just wait for it... the UMCG thing is going to blow up in my face, with them acting just like those bastards from the VUMC, and my insurance company will probably deny me any form of compensation and kick me out, with no other insurance company willing to pick up the tab. There will be no chimera test and no finality on the MRI scans. I won't ever get answers. It's just impossible. For some examples of how hermaphrodite and intersexual people are treated, just look at this article and tell me to keep up hope:

The past days I keep collapsing in more horrible ways every time and I'm feeling so tired and exhausted and so bloody frustrated and stressed and filled with hatred and sadness that it simply hurts to be awake. I can't go on like this much longer. I'm feeling trapped, like a caged animal, doomed to be used and killed for the pleasure of others.

I want to give up...


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