Nothingness

Today it hit me that everything has grinded to a halt. Everybody is on vacation, now even Engel Vrouwe is gone for a few weeks. This means that there will be no progress on the medical issue, the fraud or whatever for months. In less than two months time it'll be my birthday, and I hate the thought of it. Another year wasted. Just more frustrations and the horrible realization that I wasn't paranoid after all, but people are apparently really out to get me. I hate conspiracies. Wednesday someone from the broadcaster Omroep Flevoland will drop by to check out locations and get inspired on the filming for the documentary which will be broadcast in September.

This morning I put an analysis together of all the medical reports I have in my possession. I will translate it into English as soon as I can find the energy for it. It, too, shows a constant pattern of deception and downright lies, including the cute suggestion in the second MRI report from the VUMC that the sighting of a probable vagina on the MRI scan might be related to the prostate in his opinion. This despite the fact that those are two completely different areas we're talking about, not even remotely in the same location and basically downright nonsensical. That report was also the reason why my complaint procedure got rejected.

Yesterday and today I have started a new way to fill my days; before dinner I'll work like crazy on projects, making really nice progress, to then completely collapse after dinner. Last night I spent at least an hour in total crying. I have gone completely back to suppressing any form of emotion. Screw healing. Screw letting things out. I'm not going to live through this hell anyway. Not unless I can find a way to completely murder my emotional side, like I did during the 15 years that I was living completely withdrawn into myself. I don't f******g need those stupid emotions. I don't f*****g need this retarded, useless body. Give me a featureless body which would fit an emotionless way of living. Not this useless piece of junk.

I'm beyond tired, beyond exhausted, beyond caring, beyond feeling, beyond anything people care about. I hate people. I hate compassion. I hate everything. There is nothing in this life beyond the joys of cold, emotionless science which make it worth continuing my existence. Yes, I'm whining, no I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling bitter about how everything and everyone in this life seems to work against me. It's time I stopped caring.


Maya