Monday, 13 July 2009


Last night was quite rough. I felt... negative and fatalistic before going to bed and had trouble falling asleep. I woke up during the night for no apparent reason. After waking up again I immediately felt negative again. I find myself thinking about suicide a lot as I consider the futility of everything. This morning I just made a few more bruises on my chest, though.

I can not and won't open myself up to the possibility of me ever learning the truth about my body, ever experiencing an intimate relationship or any of the zillions of other 'normal' things 'normal' people experience every day. It simply isn't an option for me. It won't happen, ever. The bit of hope and faith I got a while ago when I thought that something was going to happen really soon now has evaporated now that both therapists are on vacation. It's just more of the same.

I refuse to let out the frustrations I feel inside, as they're useless junk from the equally useless emotional side. There's no point to having emotions or an emotional side. I was much happier when I was still withdrawn and barely knew what emotions felt like. One only needs cold logic to understand and experience the world. Anyone who says anything else is a bloody liar.

Emotions are a sickness, a perversion of everything that is good. It is evil in how it manipulates one's thoughts. They distract and delude, lie and manipulate, thus explaining the behaviour of those humans who are afflicted by this disease called 'emotions'. The only way to preserve one's sanity, as everyone has the seeds for this disease inside them, is to fully suppress it through sheer discipline and logic.

I don't know whether I'm really the victim of fraud, even if all evidence seems to point to it. I don't know what my body really is like, even if all evidence points towards it being that of a hermaphrodite. I know that as long as I have this pain and frustration inside I will keep pushing and scaring others away. I'll never feel understood or accepted. Thus I should give up desiring the answers to those questions. Thus I should give up anything emotional, including trying to add an emotional level to relations.

In the end it all doesn't matter anyway... we're all just a bunch of biological machines, moving about in this universe which has no purpose either. The only thing which could give meaning to this all is to rise above all and any limitations. To become God. Worrying about a pitiful human body seems so small in comparison...

I'll have to make it a few more years to get that far, though. Seeing as how I am experiencing severe nausea for months now, with me even vomiting once or twice in the last months, and a continuous headache combined with dizziness and fainting when under emotional or physical stress, such as when I nearly blacked out today at the gym, I'm not sure how long I can last while this disease is festering inside of me.

All I can do is deny the cause of the disease.


1 comment:

Andrew Smith said...

Hi Maya,

This is horar from #robotics. We chatted on IRC already.

I'm heading in to hospital in the morning for what I hope will turn out to be a cure for an extremely painful medical problem which has been crippling me physically and mentally for nearly 30 years.

Until recently I think most medicos thought it was a mental illess rather than a physical illness. Check out for more information about it if you are interested.

I mention this to you because the field of medicine is advancing rapidly all the time. Maybe you'll have to wait a couple more years, or maybe not. Personally I can't wait to be able to fully enjoy the years remaining to me, after having only half lived the last 30.

Anyway, I should be back in a week or so and I am really looking forward to continuing our conversation. For one thing I've started working on developing graphical editing software again, after abandoning it nearly ten years ago. This was a direct outcome of our first conversation so who knows what will happen next time.