Friday, 31 July 2009

Change For The Sake Of Change?

Some updates on the magazine interview bit: the photographer will be visiting me at home next Wednesday for a photoshoot of about an hour, joined by a cosmetician, which is a big relief to me as it'll mean that I'll look close to as pretty as I can :) I guess I could have asked the photographer about the setup and such, but it's also kind of fun to keep it as a surprise. I'm already relieved that the photographer will be a woman. I notice that I feel far less defensive when I'm with a woman than with a man.

Today the guy from the IMK arrived for our appointment this morning. In short, he was here to gather data, but also to help me get the most out of the process by assisting me in answering questions, calculating certain financial balances and such. He seemed fairly impressed by what Trevor and I have accomplished so far, including the first game of which I showed a sample. He'll prepare a report which will be submitted as a recommendation in 2-3 weeks time. I'll receive a phone call from him when it is ready. I should hear whether my request for income support was accepted or not shortly after.

If I get accepted I'll have to face some serious choices and changes. For the first time in a long time I'll have no financial issues, with the option and the expectations from my environment to start living on my own. I could be living in my own place in a few months from now. I have been working towards this even before I started living here in Almere, yet now that it's possibly about to become a reality I feel a lot of conflicting emotions.

Of course I don't want to be dependent on others, no more than necessary at least. I feel quite bad for the burden I have and still place on Pieter. Yet I feel so frightened at the thought of taking this big step, of living alone for the first time. I'm reminded of the days I spent in my apartment in Canada over a year ago. I felt so cut off from everything, and if I think about it, other than Pieter I hardly know anyone here in Almere. What if I can't seem to make more friends, what if I'll find myself just locked up in my place, getting less contact with others than now simply because Pieter keeps dragging me along to places and such?

Perhaps I'm just too tired and jaded to think about such things at the moment. I have been suffering from sharp, stabbing pains around my temples and back of my head for two days now. I have noticed that they intensify with stress, like if I hear something sensitive to me. Right now I feel incredibly worn out and I hardly feel them. At any rate it's an almost burning sensation, with the skin around the area becoming really sensitive too, which is downright impossible to ignore. It's probably just due to stress, with the increase in preparation for the IMK appointment today. Scary thing is that it would show how close I am to becoming virtually incapacitated due to stress at this point.

In happier news, I began work on a new file format and parser system for the hardware simulator yesterday to replace the Xerces XML library and XML format files I was going to use. This new format and parser are fully designed for the intermediate format the simulator uses, and so far it has been a breeze to work with. One thing I learned the past few days is that the key to easy parsing is to have the proper structure in the format you're parsing. If you have a text file with just data in it separated by spaces and such, there isn't really anything to give it structure, to indicate sections and what might be tags or similar and what might be data.

I decided to use an XML-like format as it makes sense to use tags, I only made the tags a lot more compact. Essentially a tag is formed like this: [tag:data] which is quite basic. The tag defines what it is for, the data (a single string) defines what it contains. It is easily parseable using standard C++ string handling methods and so far has taken me about 5-6 hours to set up the parser and get it to the point where it loads parsed data into target data structures for use in the application. Compared to the tens of hours I spent on Xerces, especially due to the lack of documentation, it has really been a pleasure so far.

I hope that the rest of the simulator will be as cooperative. I have to finish bits of the simulation routines, which will take another day or two. After that it's time for debugging and testing. I still need to determine the exact testing procedure. I want to use a system which will only run the simulator application and run both Lilium and the competitor's application to test scaling when the workload is increased. As I pointed out before I'm not sure the system I intend to use for it will perform as intended, which would pose a big problem. At any rate the IMK appointment today has made is clear to me that Lilium will be a big part of Nyanko's strategy the coming years.


Wednesday, 29 July 2009


After communicating to and from with the journalist I now know that the article on me will appear in the Grazia magazine ( The interview will be performed on the 27th of August, with the photographer making an appointment with me for a photoshoot probably before then. I don't have a publishing date yet. I somewhat hope that this article will appear in more magazines and will draw a lot of attention.

Yesterday I got a phonecall from a guy at the IMK (, who will drop by this week (Friday) to check up on the viability of my company and whether I qualify for the Bbz welfare money. He seemed mostly intent on helping me get things in order than to merely criticize, which was really nice and somewhat unexpected. I hope to ace the check coming Friday. After that it'll still take a month or so before I'll actually get the money (starting from June), but I have the option of asking for an initial amount.

Today I have been mostly working on the Lilium hardware simulator, particularly implementing the Xerces C++ XML library. I hope to have the first demo (demo 1) up and running by the end of next week. Pieter will be helping me with some details as he's the expert on the requirements, and also a really nice guy :) It'll take a lot of testing to figure out the bottlenecks and most importantly scaling factors for the software itself, but also between Lilium and the competitor's software, ModelSim. I can't wait to start on the next Lilium builds :)

In completely unrelated news *wink*, I could use a geForce 8 (8800 GT+) or better videocard for testing purposes in this new crash box I'm setting up. So far it has an Athlon X2 4450e, 4 GB RAM and a built-in nForce 6150 IGP. Can't run PhysX and CUDA, in short. I'm also hoping I don't encounter any of the oddities I had before with this system (mainboard?) with the sound stuttering and the CPU always being at 50% load (1 core 100%). I'd hate to have to shell out for another AM2+ mainboard as well. Perhaps someone has the aforementioned videocard and an AM2+ board gathering dust...? :D

Tomorrow I'll be working a lot more on Lilium to finish the XML implementation and the simulation code so that I can start on the debugging phase. Friday there's the IMK review which starts at 10 AM and will probably last a few hours. I hope to start debugging that same day.

I'll also be working tomorrow on the resources for the first game Nyanko will release. The game is called 'Even Cats Dream' and is a kind of 3D puzzle game from a first-person perspective with a heavy focus on physics puzzles. Within two weeks we hope to begin beta-testing combined with the production of its levels using the level editor which is being worked on by Trevor at the moment. We'll be asking a few people to help us make those levels while beta testing the game simultaneously. It's going to be fun :) With a bit of luck we'll be releasing the game next month as planned.

Finally, this coming weekend I should be finishing the site I promised to make for Jan, many months ago. Sorry for taking so long, Jan :(

Another thing this weekend will be the lack of swimming on Sunday as a guy is coming over from Belgium to pick up the arcade cabinet I talked about before. Pieter will be glad to be rid of it so that he can stuff a table (my future dinner table ;) ) into the place the cabinet is taking up at the moment. That way he has enough space in one room to fit his new organ in, some time in September. Thanks to Pieter's not-so-housebroken dogs, he can't put the organ downstairs in the living room :P

Alright, back to contemplating whether I shall take a sleeping pill today or not...


Monday, 27 July 2009

Working My Way Up

Today I went to the gym again after a week not having been there. Can't really say much about it other than that for some reason my hips were killing me during the first few minutes of cardio (cross trainer). Seems to be fine now. I chatted a bit more with the two girls who work there. They had checked my site after I had given the address last week, but other than informing with me when I'll appear on TV again they seemed intent on keeping their distance. I'm not sure why, but I think I'll just leave matters at this for now. In other news, the woman I would often go to the gym with together hasn't shown a sign of life other than a few updates on her Hyves profile, so I guess we won't be doing joint exercises any time soon. Kind of disappointing, as I quite liked her as a gym partner and as someone to chat with.

After returning home from the gym I first had lunch, followed by a shower. For some reason I began to feel really nauseous and weak during the shower up to the point where I nearly fainted. I did manage to finish the shower and took a nap immediately afterwards. I woke up at around 5.30 PM, shortly before Pieter returned from his work.

When I turned on my PC after the nap I noticed a new email message, which turned out to be from Lydia van der Weide (, a journalist and sister of the man who did the TV interview two weeks ago. She would like to interview me for an article which will be published in one or more magazines. We discussed a few details today and I'll soon hear more from her.

I find it to be kind of heartening to hear that my story and my struggle to get more attention for intersexuality is receiving the attention I feel it so deserves. At any rate it's a nice thing to tide me over until my appointment at the UMCG next month. It's really tough to live in a continuing state of uncertainty and in the realization that few, if any, people truly care about what happens to me. Let's just say that the selfishness of people isn't just real, it's legendary. It's why it only pays to focus on the <1% who actually do care.


Sunday, 26 July 2009

It Hurts So Much...

Just had another friend added to my friend list on Facebook. While looking at her pictures, I saw some daring, beautiful poses, and immediately I could feel this sickening feeling inside me. About things I'll never have, things I'll never be, things which are taken from me forever due to this stupid body. I feel ugly, freakish, a fraud and unworthy of filthying up this world with my presence any longer.

Please... I don't want this body...


Clarifying Matters

First I'd like to clarify some things I said in my previous blog post. Mostly I may have given the impression that I'm going to quit with my current therapists, but I have no intention of actually doing so, it's just one of the semi-random urges I feel lately. When stressed I really want to withdraw into myself and deny anyone, even those who may want to help me. During the 15 years that I was fully withdrawn even my own mother couldn't get close to me. I wouldn't even let her touch me. I understand that if I want to get help, I'll have to push through this strong desire.

Further, I looked at the link Cailin Coilleach provided in his comment to two blog posts ago, namely the one to an article at Wikipedia on Conversion Disorder, or conversiestoornis as it's called in Dutch. Link to English article: The English article also provides more information than the Dutch article. I found particularly the items on the assuming of weird postures (like a strongly curved back) and difficulty with controlling one's limbs very interesting.

From reading the article it does appear to be a match and explanation for many symptoms I have had even as a child, including the loss of much of sensory sensitivity (auditory, olfactory, touch, etc.), things I only became aware of after they were (partially) reverted. Even to this day I still have many times when I can not smell anything but the most strongest smells whereas at other times even the most delicate smell doesn't remain undetected by me. I have linked this to stress before, but this is the first full explanation which could account for it.

It would also explain the time when I lost control over my body and could only lie literally paralysed on the floor while being painfully aware of everything including my own (hysterical) laughter. I guess that one event alone is already a very strong indication that this may indeed be a case of conversion disorder. As noted in the Wikipedia article: "Conversion disorder is a condition where patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, paralysis, or fits, but where positive physical signs of hysteria can be found. It is thought that these problems arise in response to difficulties in the patient's life, and conversion is considered a psychiatric disorder [..]".

Or, to put it into really basic terms: the stress is getting to me. It builds up to a point where it can no longer be contained and is expressed in physical behaviour which is generally deemed 'hysterical'. I do not believe I would need to explain the most probable cause(s) for this stress.

This morning I once more found how I'm creating my own hell. After a few hours at the pool I really was spent emotionally, even though I did have had a good night's sleep. Almost every time I saw or heard about a couple, family, parent with child I began to feel very sick, with a severe, sharp headache and a sensation of despair. I even began to feel this way when Pieter was on the phone earlier, talking about an upcoming wedding of a friend of his. I just left the room and began to do laundry. When he asked afterwards whether I was okay, I answered negatively and I explained it to him. I honestly do not think that anyone who hasn't felt anything like this can understand the pain it brings with it. The interactions between men and women in relationships plus sexuality in general are considered to be pleasant, yet I do not remotely see them like that, more as a kind of torture methods.

Why do I think like this? How can I make it stop? How can I keep those flashbacks from occurring? Why does everything have to come back to me even during casual conversations? I really don't know... I just know that it makes my life into an excruciating hell at times.

I expect that a quick resolution of the medical issues I'm dealing with will help greatly with those psychological problems, which is why I have even emailed professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG on moving the appointment forward. I do not expect a reply, though.

People have asked me why I seem to expect the UMCG to either confirm Germany or the VUMC when it comes to the MRI reports, and why I deem Germany to be correct. I believe that my reasoning in the two reports I put on my site is sound enough on why I believe Germany's reports to be the most likely correct. As the only two general points of views on the MRI images seem to center on 'hermaphrodite' vs 'nothing remarkable' it seems likely that the UMCG will pick either one of them, and if it's the former point of view, it adheres to the only two reports which are technically sound, and thus it would be something I can go along with. If it's the latter point of view, there'd be a lot of questions I would want to ask the radiologist in question.

In response to the comments to my earlier blog post, I won't be discussing this matter any time soon on any forum I frequent (mostly now), as I realize the futility of doing so. I'll also gladly accept any thoughts on how to separate my business and personal identity.


Saturday, 25 July 2009


This week so far has been a downright nightmare. First there was the promise from a friend that he would show an MRI image of mine to a friend who is studying gynaecology which I then spent a few days worrying about only to there not being any word from that guy yet.

Secondly there was that whole Tweakers forum massacre. The first two days when I resumed posting there were quite pleasant, with people at least expressing their sympathy for my unfortunate situation. Then the trolls came, with even people who I had met last year in real life saying downright horrible things about me, things they would never have said to my face. I quit going there now, but for a few days I would keep visiting that place full of trepidation, only to keep having my worst fears confirmed.

Many people accused me on that forum of being unable to listen to or consider the opinions of others, but if anything I listen too much to others, much like my mother. Coming up for myself is something I had to learn the past few years, but even today I'm still extremely sensitive to criticism. Certain posts and things said on the Tweakers forum made me feel absolutely miserable, or pretty much convinced that there is indeed something wrong with me. I began to look differently at myself, even collapsed emotionally a few times during which I found myself disgusted by this twisted... thing that is my body. Let's just say that it's a good thing there aren't many sharp objects within reach from my bed. Just punching and scratching myself is bad enough already.

Yesterday night I really crashed. I found myself exploring the brief span of my existence, the short blip that I'll exist unless I happen to become immortal or so (currently in progress...), and how futile it all really is. With my birthday on September 4th (26) I'll be one year closer to becoming 30, a prospect which fills me with absolute dread. I realized this morning again how I find virtually no joy in any aspect of being alive. Aside from scientific or technological undertakings everything is ruined and painful and despicable.

The flashbacks I suffer from due to my multiple PTSD are getting particularly bad lately. This morning I had to suffer through about 4 hours of them before things subsided somewhat and I managed to get out of my bed. These flashbacks are mostly related to sexuality, relationships and medical things. By now I'm thoroughly sick of anything to do with men, women, sexuality, psychologists/psychiatrists and doctors/specialists. I do not want to watch any more movies, especially not when I began to feel horrible during the new Harry Potter movie when I went to watch it with Pieter on Thursday.

I'm thinking of cancelling my appointment with therapist Inge Wingbermuhle. I also don't see the point of sending more dreams I write down to Engel Vrouwe. I'll go to the UMCG the 21st if I am still sane by then, but I can only see things going downhill from here. There's nothing to feel joyous about, nothing to excite, nothing to make me feel anything other than sad, indifferent, angry, frustrated and miserable in any combination.

I won't be closing or wiping this blog, if only because it would provide a detailed story of my last moments of sanity and I wouldn't want to leave the few friends I have behind without them knowing at least what happened to me. The trolls who love to make fun of my life and already think I'm insane can go die in a fire for all I care, or prepare to get stabbed to death by bleeding if I ever meet them in real life again.


Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Forget It...

A few days ago I got back on the forum to resume posting in an old thread of mine there. Starting yesterday it erupted again in a orgy of people accusing me of lying, of being insane, of being just a crazy guy, of not being able to accept that I'm transsexual, and so on.

You know what? I'm really, absolutely not out to prove anything here. I just want to know what in the world my body is about, as it is clearly neither male nor female. There are some theories out there which fit the available (physical) evidence better than others, and those I will of course gravitate to.

But really... what is it that I feel after reading the last string of posts in that forum topic? Mostly a sense of despair, of wanting to give up, of wondering whether I really am crazy and others the sane ones.

Above all I would like to shut down my site, erase the Youtube video, wipe my blog and... I don't know. It's clear at least that I don't have to expect anything from anyone at this point.

Still a month until my next appointments... like it matters. I don't give a damn about what I am or am not right now. All I feel is this pain inside, and frustration... @#$#$%#$

Everyone can just drop dead for all I care, and this body of mine should die with it. I hate it. I hate everything. This will be my last post on this blog. I'll probably wipe it soon anyway.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Facing The Last Miles

Today has been a really lazy day. Pieter took a day off so we had all day to watch movies and further do nothing in particular. We watched two movies, the first one 'The Forbidden Kingdom', with Jacky Chan and Jet Li. I love Chinese martial arts movies, and quite liked this movie too. Quite recommend. The second movie was Jean-Claud van Damme (JCVD), starring you-know-who. It was a bit of a weird movie... Pieter liked it, but I thought they could have crammed the story into about 15 minutes. I pretty much fell asleep during some (long...) scenes.

Wednesday the guy from Omroep Flevoland arrived as planned and after some talking we started the filming. Different from what I had understood this was the real deal, not merely a scouting thing for locations and stuff. Luckily I'm good at improvising, so I soon was following his instructions and we went through a number of scenes, involving me getting out of bed, brushing my hair, getting dressed, spending time at the gym (first time I got filmed in public) and walking around at the shopping center here in Almere Buiten. I was interviewed at all of those locations as well. The documentary he'll put together will last about 10 minutes and will be broadcast in September.

Yesterday my mom dropped by. We went shopping and I got a new big shirt to wear in bed among other things. It's really pretty purple-ish with two lovely doves on the front. I think it's pretty at least, even if Pieter didn't even say anything about it this morning until I asked him to say something :P

As said, I did very little today. Most noticeable is a phone call from my GP, who called to tell me about her conversation with professor Weijmar Schultz from the UMCG. Apparently he will have the MRI images looked at even before the appointment on the 21st next month by a radiologist who won't be informed on the background information of the case, so as to ensure his impartiality. I think this is a positive step.

The most crucial aspect about this news is that if they confirm the reports from Germany, then my condition will be acknowledged right away and this hell should be over soon. Otherwise, it'll probably mean that the UMCG can't be trusted either and I'll have to fall back on Engel Vrouwe again. At any rate I have sent the reports which are also on my site to Weijmar Schultz, so he knows that they can not repeat the same lies the other hospitals have told me and if the MRI report from the UMCG is different from the German reports, I will have them explain to me what they're seeing.

Either way this nightmare should end soon...


Monday, 13 July 2009


Last night was quite rough. I felt... negative and fatalistic before going to bed and had trouble falling asleep. I woke up during the night for no apparent reason. After waking up again I immediately felt negative again. I find myself thinking about suicide a lot as I consider the futility of everything. This morning I just made a few more bruises on my chest, though.

I can not and won't open myself up to the possibility of me ever learning the truth about my body, ever experiencing an intimate relationship or any of the zillions of other 'normal' things 'normal' people experience every day. It simply isn't an option for me. It won't happen, ever. The bit of hope and faith I got a while ago when I thought that something was going to happen really soon now has evaporated now that both therapists are on vacation. It's just more of the same.

I refuse to let out the frustrations I feel inside, as they're useless junk from the equally useless emotional side. There's no point to having emotions or an emotional side. I was much happier when I was still withdrawn and barely knew what emotions felt like. One only needs cold logic to understand and experience the world. Anyone who says anything else is a bloody liar.

Emotions are a sickness, a perversion of everything that is good. It is evil in how it manipulates one's thoughts. They distract and delude, lie and manipulate, thus explaining the behaviour of those humans who are afflicted by this disease called 'emotions'. The only way to preserve one's sanity, as everyone has the seeds for this disease inside them, is to fully suppress it through sheer discipline and logic.

I don't know whether I'm really the victim of fraud, even if all evidence seems to point to it. I don't know what my body really is like, even if all evidence points towards it being that of a hermaphrodite. I know that as long as I have this pain and frustration inside I will keep pushing and scaring others away. I'll never feel understood or accepted. Thus I should give up desiring the answers to those questions. Thus I should give up anything emotional, including trying to add an emotional level to relations.

In the end it all doesn't matter anyway... we're all just a bunch of biological machines, moving about in this universe which has no purpose either. The only thing which could give meaning to this all is to rise above all and any limitations. To become God. Worrying about a pitiful human body seems so small in comparison...

I'll have to make it a few more years to get that far, though. Seeing as how I am experiencing severe nausea for months now, with me even vomiting once or twice in the last months, and a continuous headache combined with dizziness and fainting when under emotional or physical stress, such as when I nearly blacked out today at the gym, I'm not sure how long I can last while this disease is festering inside of me.

All I can do is deny the cause of the disease.


Saturday, 11 July 2009

Uncovering The Truth

For those interested, this morning I translated the medical report analysis and put it online at You can also access it via the About Me page. I also updated the frontpage of my site to be a bit more... inviting. The site hasn't been 'under construction' for the longest time, although the black holes part could refer to my dark moods, like when I wrote yesterday's blog post.

Anyway, one thing I have to come to terms with the past years and months is how little my opinion and basically anything I do or say matters in this world, especially when it comes to medical matters. Even if this is a big fraud case I have uncovered and have become victim of, the possibility of me proving it and bringing it to court or whatever on my own are slim to none. I really hate feeling powerless like this. That's why I responded so strongly to Engel Vrouwe just telling me like that about him going on vacation for a few weeks.

So yeah, not sure what else to say. My emotions are safely crushed beneath a pile of iron logic for the moment, I have been working out the business plan for Nyanko a bit more in preparation for the check and it should be ready for it now. I'm going to write the game script for our first game, for which Trevor is already designing a level. We might have beta builds ready by the end of the month. Alpha builds most definitely. It'll be fully 3D, by the way. The title and more details will be revealed in time :)


Friday, 10 July 2009


Today it hit me that everything has grinded to a halt. Everybody is on vacation, now even Engel Vrouwe is gone for a few weeks. This means that there will be no progress on the medical issue, the fraud or whatever for months. In less than two months time it'll be my birthday, and I hate the thought of it. Another year wasted. Just more frustrations and the horrible realization that I wasn't paranoid after all, but people are apparently really out to get me. I hate conspiracies. Wednesday someone from the broadcaster Omroep Flevoland will drop by to check out locations and get inspired on the filming for the documentary which will be broadcast in September.

This morning I put an analysis together of all the medical reports I have in my possession. I will translate it into English as soon as I can find the energy for it. It, too, shows a constant pattern of deception and downright lies, including the cute suggestion in the second MRI report from the VUMC that the sighting of a probable vagina on the MRI scan might be related to the prostate in his opinion. This despite the fact that those are two completely different areas we're talking about, not even remotely in the same location and basically downright nonsensical. That report was also the reason why my complaint procedure got rejected.

Yesterday and today I have started a new way to fill my days; before dinner I'll work like crazy on projects, making really nice progress, to then completely collapse after dinner. Last night I spent at least an hour in total crying. I have gone completely back to suppressing any form of emotion. Screw healing. Screw letting things out. I'm not going to live through this hell anyway. Not unless I can find a way to completely murder my emotional side, like I did during the 15 years that I was living completely withdrawn into myself. I don't f******g need those stupid emotions. I don't f*****g need this retarded, useless body. Give me a featureless body which would fit an emotionless way of living. Not this useless piece of junk.

I'm beyond tired, beyond exhausted, beyond caring, beyond feeling, beyond anything people care about. I hate people. I hate compassion. I hate everything. There is nothing in this life beyond the joys of cold, emotionless science which make it worth continuing my existence. Yes, I'm whining, no I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling bitter about how everything and everyone in this life seems to work against me. It's time I stopped caring.


Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Business Time

The weekend was fairly uneventful, with grocery shopping on Saturday and a visit from some friends of Pieter. Sunday all four of us went to the pool in Almere-Stad again. This time I spent a great deal of time talking to one of the staff there, an older woman. I ended up telling her my 'secret' and everything. She seemed very understanding, having some experiences of her own, mostly related to her not-so-feminine twin sister which made it easier for her to relate. I also ended up talking a bit with her daughter, who was also working there.

Near the end of our time at the pool I kind of collapsed, though. I felt very dizzy, nauseous and such. The woman of the staff I had talked to before told me to sit down and got me some tea so that I could recover somewhat. After Pieter and I got home and had lunch, I really crashed. For some reason when Pieter was helping me get up from the couch it suddenly appeared to me as though he was twisting my wrist. When he noticed my discomfort he moved my arm to what he thought was a more comfortable position, but by then I was freaking out, having descended into some kind of nightmare world where he was intentionally trying to hurt me.

When Pieter let go off my wrist I curled up in a ball on the couch and just lied there, shivering and trembling. Then as he tried to pull me closer to him to comfort me I began to spasm and cry and... I don't really remember all that happened. All I really remember is that afterwards I felt so completely tired that Pieter had to nearly carry me upstairs where he put me down on my bed. When I fell asleep shortly after, it was up to Pieter to call my mother to inform her that I wouldn't be able to make it to the dinner my older brother had organized for my younger brother, my mother and me. Later that day I talked some more with my mother by phone and assured her that I was doing fine again.

It took me a few hours of sleep to recover. That day I also had a sleeping pill, but it didn't prevent me from feeling intensely sick during the morning. As I don't have a fever or anything it seems likely that it's just a combination of stress and exhaustion.

On Tuesday I had my appointment with my GP. She wasn't fully updated yet on the situation yet as she had just returned from her vacation, but I brought her up to date with the most important changes, including the suspicions of fraud, which she didn't seem to dismiss. She will read through the documents I sent her (on the irregularities etc) and also call professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG as he had tried to call her earlier this month when she was on vacation. She will call me afterwards to inform me of the contents of that discussion.

At 2 PM I had an appointment in Lelystad with my contact person for the Bbz welfare request. When he came downstairs to pick me up from the waiting room he seemed to be taken aback for a bit when he saw a woman instead of the man he had been expecting, but when I explained my situation he quickly caught on. He had read the summary I had put in the request form as well, so he wasn't totally unprepared.

We had a pretty good talk, the good news is that my request isn't rejected, they just want to have an external company investigate the viability of my company a bit more. To this purpose someone will call me for an appointment, then they'll come here (1 or 2 people) to check things out. We talked about the things I need to prepare, such as fully defined revenue projections, a completely overview of expected costs and required profit/income, and so on. I'll attempt to get this all sorted as soon as possible. He also offered me part of the first welfare cheque if I wouldn't make it financially, with of course the catch that if I wouldn't get accepted for it, I would have to pay it back. I thought it was very kind.

The two items which are or will be the main sources of revenue for Nyanko are its games and its software products, particularly niche software such as the VHDL/Verilog hardware simulator I'm working on. With a few weeks I should have a prototype of it up and running, by which time we should have the first demo of our first game working too. At this point Trevor is working on a quick demo to show off (and help in debugging :P ) the game engine.

In other news, I finally took some more pics and updated the picture on my blog. Enjoy! Or not :P


Sunday, 5 July 2009

Pain And Confusion

Despite the relatively optimistic tone of my last post, matters are still everything but resolved. Without official recognition there still remain the issues of my official identity, possibilities of surgery, continuing uncertainty about what is going to happen and of course why fraud was committed to hide certain facts. It's an absolutely distressing thing to be aware of the fact that people care so little about you that they'd rather see you dead. Especially since there can be no official recognition without such people.

I feel a certain sense of panic whenever I think of how it's been 1.5 years since the first MRI scan was made and that nobody seems to give a damn about getting some finality on it. I'm getting so sick of not knowing, of having to suppress anything my body suggests and anything I may desire because I don't know. I have not known for long enough now to begin not giving a damn about anything any more. Yes, I'm pretty much panicking at this point. I honestly don't know what I'm doing it all for.

One more piece of bad news and I swear I'll go crazy... the past few days have been and still are a living hell. I'm having trouble finding any sense of normality in my surroundings. Everything seems to be a painful reminder of current events, of past events, of... or else it just reminds me of how I'm outside everything. I'm not part of society, I'm an outsider, a nobody. I hate hoping that things will ever turn out right because every time I think like that something horrible happens.

Just wait for it... the UMCG thing is going to blow up in my face, with them acting just like those bastards from the VUMC, and my insurance company will probably deny me any form of compensation and kick me out, with no other insurance company willing to pick up the tab. There will be no chimera test and no finality on the MRI scans. I won't ever get answers. It's just impossible. For some examples of how hermaphrodite and intersexual people are treated, just look at this article and tell me to keep up hope:

The past days I keep collapsing in more horrible ways every time and I'm feeling so tired and exhausted and so bloody frustrated and stressed and filled with hatred and sadness that it simply hurts to be awake. I can't go on like this much longer. I'm feeling trapped, like a caged animal, doomed to be used and killed for the pleasure of others.

I want to give up...


Friday, 3 July 2009

Welcome To The Third Sex

During my talk with Engel Vrouwe and Inge Wingbermuhle last Tuesday Inge especially mentioned how my emotional side needs to be merged into the rest of my being, and that the mental blockages I have in place, especially those keeping me from accepting myself as I know I am, will have to be removed somehow. This issue was addressed in my communications with Engel Vrouwe the past few days too, specifically with regard to my emotional collapses. Apparently I should not fight against unpleasant memories and thoughts and just let them do whatever it is they do. Usually making me cry. At any rate starting yesterday I have quit fighting against those things.

One thought or sensation which has come up in me yesterday night and hasn't left me yet is quite interesting. At this point it's quite undeniable that I am a hermaphrodite, or a hermaphrodite girl as I prefer to see myself. I find much relief in knowing this, as at least it gives me an identity and place. Of course, since hermaphrodites are so rare I know nobody who is like me. I think that accounts for the intense sense of loneliness I have experienced for the past years. Someone who isn't at least intersexual can not possibly grasp what it is like to fall outside the black/white 'reality' of male/female. Hermaphrodite is the shade of grey inbetween, where both are present, but neither are necessarily dominating.

I have no desire to become male or female, because that isn't what I am. I'm not male. I'm not female. I'm hermaphrodite. The third sex. This is what I have always known myself to be subconsciously and it is what I will accept without complaints. Nobody can take this away from me, not even doctors and psychologists who think that committing fraud and confusing me even to the point of committing suicide is an appropriate action in my case.

This is my identity, it is mine and mine alone. Being hermaphrodite is something I share with a small group of others, people I don't know yet and while I feel extremely nervous about meeting other hermaphrodites, they're nevertheless the only people who can truly understand the pain and joy of being like this.

Not that I fully understand everything yet. How to exist as a third sex in this society for one. There are no checkboxes on forms saying 'hermaphrodite', only male and female. While female would be closest in my case, it still isn't the full truth. In many other situations too there is no awareness of hermaphrodites, most people don't even know we exist. That's something I would like to change. To benefit everyone like me.

I hope to get the final confirmation from the medical tests within a few months time and wrap up this nightmare at long last before the year has ended. It is saddening and ironic that the ones who have held all of this back are regular males and females. Through lying, deception and fraud they have tried to brainwash me into believing I was a transsexual boy, was something else (autoparagynaecophilia? Get lost), or undefinable. At this point I do not trust the Dutch medical world one bit. They've stolen 4.5 years from me, years I won't ever get back. And to what purpose? Since I can't think of a rational reason for their actions other than pure evil, I hope that I and others like me will suffer no more harm from people like them. They'd actually rather prefer to let people commit suicide than help them. If that isn't evil I don't know what is.

Yes, I'm incredibly angry and frustrated about those... things who call themselves human beings, yet are more like demons, making the life of real humans miserable. My hatred against them knows no bounds.


Wednesday, 1 July 2009


Yesterday was my appointment with therapists Inge Wingbermuhle and Engel Vrouwe in Groningen. Thanks to Jan driving me to and from there I was only underway for about 3 hours total. Thanks for the ride, Jan :)

Anyway, during the morning I was feeling a tad nervous, even had to ward off a case of hyperventilating. The journey to Groningen was fairly uneventful and we arrived on time, where we were greeted by Wingbermuhle and Vrouwe. Jan stayed in the waiting room while I went with both therapists to another room.

We discussed pretty much everything there was to be discussed, both on medical and emotional levels. Wingbermuhle suggested a treatment for my emotional issues and such which I will start with during our next appointment on August 26th. In the mean time Vrouwe will work on the medical side of the case, getting the chimera test requested via my insurance company, figure out the many irregularities which have occurred so far (Vrouwe called it 'fraud') and possibly get some progress on the official name and gender change as well.

The appointment lasted two hours. I explained and answered many questions I was asked, further mentioned changes in the treatment from specialists after they had contacted the VUMC and expressed my fears that the same would happen with the UMCG. One result of this is that the chimera test will most likely be performed multiple times at different, independent institutes outside the Netherlands, such as in the Intersex clinic in London, UK.

In general both therapists seemed to understand the core of the issue perfectly well. It was the most productive and useful talk I have had with anyone with the power to actually help me. To actually feel a sense of sympathy and a true desire to help from such people is a most welcome change.

Of course, it doesn't come without repercussions; by the time I had arrived home I felt incredibly dizzy and nearly fainted on the spot. Even though I hadn't eaten since that morning, I nevertheless didn't feel very hungry and ended up having to nearly force down the rest of my plate of food. After that I felt so incredibly tired that I went to bed before 8 PM, reading and sleeping a bit until 10.30 PM. When I tried to sleep again after annoying Pieter for a bit, I found that I couldn't fall asleep at all, with so many thoughts churning through my head, refusing to leave me alone. It wasn't until after 1 AM that I finally managed to fall asleep.

Right now I'm feeling absolutely drained. My throat hurts, my head feels like it's stuffed with down with my emotional side lying smashed up in a puddle of blood in a dark corner of my mind. When I noticed that I began to develop a feeling of hope, and how it was destabilizing me, I quickly put an end to it. I don't want to feel hope, I don't want to feel anything. I just want to do useful work, to finish projects and games and such which will actually help me get a better life. Hope just makes one a prime target for disappointment and the pain and frustration connected to it.

I made an appointment with my GP for next Tuesday, as well as an appointment for a talk with my contact for the further handling of my Bbz welfare request later that day. I'll have to travel to Lelystad (next train stop from here :P ) for it. Hopefully it's close to the train station.

In other news, I'm currently looking at XUL, the user interface technology Mozilla developed and is using with its products including Firefox and Thunderbird. It's cross-platform, with a strong separation between application code and user interface, which I think is a really good thing. I never liked WxWidgets (based on GTK+) and Qt due to this. Both insist on invasively embedding the UI into your application, in the case of WxWidgets even completely determining the layout and flow of the application. With XUL the UI is just another module which can easily be swapped out, translated and upgraded via overlays (like class inheritance) without affecting the application code base. Very convenient.