Feeling pretty crappy the past few days as realization sinks in. It's a truth too horrible to behold or consider for very long.
The choices I have as a person in this country, considering that I am intersexual are the following: I can opt to cease my attempts to gain recognition for my intersex condition, cease all attempts to get it diagnosed and treated, and live the rest of my life explaining why my ID cards say that I'm male while I most decidedly do not give that impression to people. Silent despair.
I can also opt to give up on my claims to being intersex and embrace the world of transsexuality, pick a sex (male or female) and receive surgery to become that sex and gender, officially as well. I'll still have my PTSD and other traumatic disorders, which then still can't be treated because the underlying causes haven't been dealt with. Quiet misery.
The option I desire is to be acknowledged as being intersex, have my official gender changed to 'female' for convenience's sake and to fit my own feeling of being an intersex woman, receive medical care to ascertain my exact intersex condition using a mosaic test (XX/XY hermaphroditism?) and such, as well as determine long-term health risks of my intersex condition. I'd also wish to have the testicles removed so that I no longer have to take testosterone blockers as these increase the possibility of an embolism. The right testicle is also partially descended, which forms a cancer risk. Finally I'd have labia created to open up the vagina which was indicated by two German private clinics.
Only the third option would solve my situation. Only the third option would make me happy. Only the third option would get me the care I require. Only the third option is the right option, morally and ethically.
The third option is the only option which is being actively denied to me and every other intersex person in the Netherlands by the government and physicians. This makes the government and physicians our enemies, as they are willing to discard our lives for their petty believes and convictions. They wish to deny and exterminate every trace of intersex people, through denial and forced surgery.
They are the enemy, yet they are holding us hostage. They are the government who should uphold the human rights of all citizens. They are the physicians who have taken an oath to do no harm. They're all liars and criminals for breaking their own laws.
Is there anything I can do? I don't think so. I have no future as long as I only have the first two options.
I wish I wasn't born intersex... I wish I could be intersex and happy... I wish people didn't hurt and kill those who are different from them.
I guess it's all too much to wish for... is it?