Saturday, 30 July 2011

I'm Terrified Of Dying, Yet I May Be The One To Kill Myself

Imagine feeling so torn about your life, so filled with memories of traumatic experiences and no clear outlook on improvement. Imagine feeling despair welling up from deep inside you. Imagine realizing that you have nowhere to go, nothing you can do about it, nothing to do but keep waiting like you have done since what feels like the beginning of time. Imagine seeing everybody else being able to live their lives. Imagine all this frustration and anger being without target and turning towards yourself.

Imagine all this hatred, pain and agony coming crashing back, enveloping and choking you. There's no way to fight against so much pain. The first few times you'll be able to hold it off, but it grows stronger, as your situation doesn't change, doesn't improve. Eventually you'll succumb to it more and more easily.

It starts with merely punching yourself a few times. Then scratching. Then tearing off bits of skin. Then blunt trauma. Cutting. And worse each time. You don't want to do it. You know it's not good. You feel more miserable after each time you do it, but you are left no choice. You wish you could direct the pain, hatred and frustration towards a more useful purpose, but there isn't one.

I don't feel proud of what I did earlier to myself. I can feel the bruising and scratches all too well on my abdomen. I managed to at least spare my wrists and hands this time. Limiting the collateral damage. That's the extent of my control. I have to give in to this urge to harm myself or it'll start tearing my skull apart until I'll do it anyway, or worse.

When I begged and asked for help in the past I didn't want to put too much weight on the inevitability that I'll end up inflicting permanent damage to myself, or even end up mortally wounding myself. At this point I'm too terrified of myself to shy away from this, though.

I'm not sure how long I can hold myself together. I'm not sure how long I can hold back that time when I'll inflict serious damage to myself. The past few days I have been more unstable than before. I need help and support to stabilize me. I need something to change fundamentally to change in my life.

Please, I'm begging anyone willing to listen... please save me. I don't want to die... especially not by my own hands.



mimi said...

I don't know what I can say or do to help. I'm on the other side of the world and only found your blog yesterday. I can only imagine half of what you've been through. I have been on the brink of suicide before, and I'm so thankful I didn't.

Even if they aren't tailored to your specific situation, maybe look at some 'it gets better' videos. I know that, while I'm not in the same situations, they make me feel better.

Good luck. You're not alone. And it will, somehow, get better.

Samantha said...

I feel that way all the time.
I know its more then fucking miserable.
Sorry maya, I wish I could lend you some strength but it looks like we can only try to find it within ourselves. Even if that's nearly impossible.

Maya Posch said...

*hugs Samantha lots*