Thursday, 13 March 2008

What's Happening...

Some of you may have noticed that I modified my last post a few times. This was to remove some things which shouldn't have been in it if I want to keep B as a friend. But frankly, all of these are just useless details. Something is happening with me and I don't know what.

Tuesday Alex had his talk with his forensic pathologist friend, and came back from that talk with some advice for me on how to proceed. Basically I need to get a referral letter from my physician so that I can talk with (another) endocrinologist, who should then refer me to a plastic surgeon. Thanks to B's mother I know that there's probably a good endocrinologist in Rotterdam at the Erasmus MC. She already contacted this person, so I'll wait to see what response she got back today.

So far the happy part. According to Alex's friend it's most likely that my IS condition was caused by a testosterone insensitivity and that chimera is an unlikely cause. The effect of this message was interpreted by my subconsciousness as a confirmation that I'm just a freak. I'm not female, I'm not male. I'm something which should never have existed. I am just a gathering of mistakes, something I'll never be able to accept.

Last night I slept absolutely poorly. I woke up 3-4 times and slept barely 4 hours in total.. Fortunately I spent most of yesterday sleeping and reading in bed. I'm so tired. It feels as though my lungs can't extract enough oxygen from the air and I have been feeling nauseous for a few days now. Since yesterday the mental agony has increased to a point where it makes all previous experiences look like a tranquil vacation.

This morning NG asked me whether I shouldn't perhaps ask my physician for antidepressant drugs, to just bridge the coming months. My physician asked me whether I was using such drugs on Monday as well. She seemed worried about my regular episodes of depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm not a big fan of treating symptoms, however.

Yet I can't be optimistic about the coming weeks. It's nice to know that there's at least something I can do right now instead of just waiting, but all my previous experiences with specialists (including psychologists) have been negative and only a small part of me does not expect my next appointment with an endocrinologist to go horribly wrong again.

I'm so sick and tired of this all... tired of being punished for something, for what I am. Death may be an easy way out, but it's such a calming thought compared to this living nightmare I'm going through every day. If there really is no place for me in this world, then perhaps departing from it really is the best choice.

Just make the pain stop...


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