Murder And Intrigue~

No, I'm not dead yet, despite it still feeling like a comfortable thought to me. I apologize for not writing anything the past days, but I didn't feel like there was much to say, or felt too tired.

To start with the good news, I have refound my desire to work, and have been programming, writing specifications and documentation as well as assembling computer systems. It feels good to focus on something productive.

As for the things outside my work... they're not going very well. I actually thought that I was somewhat stabilizing again, but yesterday I was proven wrong. Yesterday during the weekly Dungeons & Dragons night one of the players announced that his wife was pregnant. At hearing this news it was as though a dagger was brutally thrust into my heart and twisted repeatedly. I've never before dropped from feeling relatively carefree into mental agony so quickly and so violently.

After hearing everyone around the table blabber on about the news for a few minutes I finished my tea and left for my room, closing the door behind me. After a short while NG called for me and I, thinking I might be able to manage somehow, joined the others again, only to find myself on the verge of crying after only a minute or so. Putting down my tea cup with a very audible thud I left for my room again where I threw myself on my bed and descended into a world of mental pain and general unpleasantness, with me only having pure hatred to fight off the thoughts flashing through my mind and the pain they were inflicting.

NG came to see me after a while, and to my surprise the moment I turned over to face him, I started crying while only seconds before I hadn't felt like crying at all. Unable to speak, I remained lying there while NG caressed my face, brushing aside the tears.

When he asked whether he should tell the others I wasn't returning, I replied that I would be rejoining the others yet again, if he'd tell those in the group who didn't know about me yet some details which'd explain my behaviour. The rest of the night I managed to more or less participate, though I could feel that part of me felt like it was dying.

After everyone had gone home, I felt how the usual cycle of misery was proceeding. First there had been the shock, then the anguish, followed by tears. Next came the gradual rejection of myself: first I thought I looked ugly, then I realized I was just an 'it', an undefinable blob, resulting in the total rejection of my own body. I don't have a body. All this to make it easier to deal with the shock and pain. Whoever says that this is healthy is totally insane.

I'll resume working today as well... next week there's a wedding on Friday, right after my appointment with the gynaecologist. NG, who is going with me to that appointment, will be joining the wedding stuff afterwards. Until yesterday I had thought that I'd be going to that wedding as well, but after seeing how I responded yesterday, I feel that it'd be a really stupid thing to do. I have to isolate myself from anyone who can not truly help me in some way. Anyone else will just hurt me, whether that person realizes it or not.

Sometimes I wish I would never have to cry again...


Maya