...

It is increasingly becoming clear to me what my role in this whole... play is supposed to be. Whereas I used to strive to obtain the things others have, or at least some of them, I now see how I foolish I was in pursuing those irrelevant and to me unobtainable matters.

I'll forever be alone. This isn't just something I say to attract attention, for attention isn't what I desire. I'm past that stage. My goal in life is to abandon worldly desires and fully dedicate myself to knowledge and science, for only in those things can I find myself.

Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to care and be cared for, but such things simply aren't possible. I've been alone and ignored for far too long to just get over this pain and loneliness I feel inside. Attention from others I'll just smile at and go my way. My cravings to love and be loved are made impossible by the realization that nobody can get close enough to understand this pain I'm suffering, even when I'm trying to hide it.

Today I came to realize that I can focus on my work again. I can work on projects, program and design, plan and execute. Tomorrow I'll educate a friend in web development because she indicated she'd like to learn it, and I realize the need to extend my network, as locking myself up inside my room won't be the right thing to do. I can however not put my heart into it, as otherwise just thinking about this friend and her boyfriend, let alone being there at her place will only hurt me.

I got a confirmation letter from the VUMC's complaint commission today, to inform me that my update to my complaint had been accepted and added. Only around 2 months to go now until I learn of their verdict. Monday I'll be talking with my physician again. Hopefully she has read my file already and proceeds with her intentions to help me.

By now things just seem to be fading away. So many things I've learned or learned to crave for during the past three years. Friendship... Love... Attention... Warmth... Medical acceptance and help.... I seem to have given up on them, or came to realize they're unobtainable or even dangerous to me. With them also the pain seems to be departing, leaving behind a milder version to remind me of why this is happening to me.

I have resumed work on my personal site, MayaPosch.com, which I intend to launch in the coming weeks.


Maya