Wednesday, 19 March 2008


As they say about rescue attempts, the most dangerous part is not when people are still adrift at sea, or trapped in a cave with a blizzard raging outside, it is when their rescuers are in sight. That's when most people make stupid mistakes, upsetting the fragile balance they created while trying to survive.

Akin to this, my jubilant feeling of yesterday with my possible salvation in sight has completely backfired on me today, leaving me a miserable shell, incapable of performing even the most basic tasks. I spent nearly all of today in bed, sleeping, reading, watching movies and drenching the pillow with my tears.

My inability to define what I am, uncertainty about my future, my hatred at the sight of how weak I am... it's such a mess. I'm getting sick of feeling this pain inside of me 24/7. Having been alone since I was 5 years old with only this pain to hold me company, the only things I recognize and can sympathize with in this world are pain, sadness and loss. Everything beyond this feels completely fake. The only thing one could add to this list to fully define the human world is depravity, especially sexually.

I considered the possibility that I've been damaged too much to ever develop normal emotionally. It's very well possible that I'll never progress from where I am now, or at least not significantly. Part of me doesn't even want to develop in this fashion, but stay childlike and innocent. I just want the world to be fun and fluffy and joyful, not spiked and poisonous with lots of sharp edges.

Around 7 PM I finally got out of bed. Not having eaten anything yet, I didn't feel particularly hungry yet decided to eat some pasta I had made yesterday anyway. At least I'll finally lose the weight I've wanted to lose for a while this way. I think the dogs are getting quite scared of me now. Serves them right, the smelly POSs.

I didn't go to the Dungeons and Dragons play night at Alex's place today and have refused any contact with anyone about it. I just feel the need to be completely alone, to purify myself and find my balance again. I'm glad that NG will be home tomorrow again after his trip to Italy. Somehow he has become someone to rely on, someone who is always there for me, and actually understands me. I can count the number of people who are like this with me on the fingers of one hand.

Goodnight, I guess.


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