Sunday, 2 March 2008

Emotional Pain...

Clearly I haven't got a clue as to what is going on with me. When I claimed to have begun to kill off select parts of my emotional side again, I should have known that when this happened the first time, starting when I was 5 years old, it took over a decade for this process to finish, and was largely caused by (subconscious) confusion about who and what I was, social isolation due to my giftedness and an environment which didn't seem to understand anything about me, or at least didn't act.

It's all different now. My emotional side has had a chance to mature somewhat unlike before, my giftedness isn't an issue but an asset now and my current environment won't stop trying to nag and/or help me. I just keep getting stuck on some issues which hurt me as I try to come to terms with them. It are those issues which I have to put aside for now.

Yesterday I went to my friend A's place some time after noon. We mostly talked, watched movies and browsed through his pathology books (his study :) ). It was a really entertaining time, also with the nice talks with A's mother and when another friend, Ba, dropped by with whom we watched a movie with the three of us.

I did notice yesterday night when I returned home that I felt really worn out emotionally, but thought that I'd be fine in the morning. Yet after NG left shortly after noon today to visit his brother, I began to degrade. Just reading and seeing some things on TV was enough to trigger a lot of negative feelings inside me, which culminated into an absolutely horrible feeling of negativity, the kind you can feel weighing down on and inside you.

I thought that because I felt a bit tired as well, even before I became depressed, that I should take a nap, which I did. I woke up three hours later, feeling a lot better, until I was watching a Batman movie a short while ago, and the final romantic scene at the end made me realize something. A realization which hit me as a sledgehammer in its definitiveness. Romance and sexuality are things which are out of reach for me, so I should stop yearning for them.

It gives a certain feeling of calmness to realize such things. I don't have to worry about it anymore, I don't have to go crazy about something which wasn't meant to be to begin with. Perhaps some time in the future, when this mess is all over can I begin to think about it again, but for the foreseeable future I can close this chapter.

Pain... the feeling of having been rejected. Your loved one telling you after a relationship of over a year that he or she wants to move on with another person. Hearing that you've got cancer and will only live three more months if you're lucky. Having been raped and dealing with the consequences. Having a disability or disfiguration which prevents you from living a 'normal' life.

I am getting so tired of feeling this pain. Deeply embedded inside, out of reach, in the realization that all one can do is wait and hope for the best. I actually cried a bit earlier for the first time in days. It was all because of that journalist girl who talked with me a few moments ago. A few days ago she had sent me a message informing me that an article about me won't be published after all in the Cosmopolitan magazine here in the Netherlands, which kind of upset me. I just don't want to talk about it all again.

NG just came home and I talked with him about things to then proceed to cry on his shoulder for a while. I feel so tired and weak right now, but at least much of the pain inside seems to have subsided now. I'll go watch some movies with him now before I go to bed. I'll see you all tomorrow again.


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