Thursday, 6 March 2008

Misery And Numbness...

The appointment my friend A (Alex) had on Tuesday with his friend, a forensic pathologist, to see whether he could help me was canceled and a new appointment has to be made. Strangely enough when I heard this I didn't feel anything. It's like I'm going completely numb inside.

What did hurt was when yesterday one of NG's dogs jumped against my jaw really hard, which chipped one of my teeth and makes it painful to eat even today. Earlier before NG left for his work he mentioned that I'd have to take care of the dogs for a while if he has to go to Italy soon. The prospect of this is everything but appealing to me. I seriously can't stand these dogs. I don't like dogs in general already, and these four dogs are just too moronic and energetic to be a good match for me, especially in my current condition.

When grim's comment mentioned that I could never return to how I was years ago in terms of emotional numbness, that I couldn't just turn off things, I thought that he was probably right. What I'm noticing lately, however, proves that I wasn't completely mistaken. While I don't see myself as a child like I used to, I am in the process of completely rejecting those emotions which make me feel uncomfortable or worse. Sexuality and things around it hurt me, so they're fading. Things about intersexuality and finding help for my potentially dangerous condition cause a lot of pain, frustration and distress for me, so I'm casting them away. At this rate I won't care about those things at all anymore in a few weeks time.

What I also noticed is my stance on friendship. Before I would attempt to establish some kind of emotional link with others, to become friends. Now it's just like when I was in high school, where I talked regularly to quite a few people, but never established an emotional link, simply not allowing them close to me. I can feel myself growing more and more distant to NG as well, which feeds this growing feeling of unease, of not feeling like I have found a place where I can stay. I suspect that things will get quickly more ugly from here on.

NG got an email from that psychologist lady of the VU, in response to my email to her in which she admitted that this endocrinologist had acted on his own, without discussing my case with the rest of the team. I should hear more about it from them later. I still don't expect anything positive from their side, though. They're only out to harm and kill me in the most painful way possible.

Later today I'll be going into the city, to make an appointment with my physician (she should have my file by now), and to do some shopping. I hope my new bicycle holds up well. I also have to reinstall the OS on my main computer, because it seems to be dying.


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