Monday, 17 March 2008

Paranoia...

I'm not really sure how to begin... all I know is that whatever I type on this blog doesn't really help me, but only makes my situation worse and worse, as people use it to make my life even worse and increase my suffering. Yet even without this it doesn't change the fact that I'm inside a living nightmare. And there is only one way out.

The fact that nobody can or will help me is because that never was the intention from the very beginning. I don't know exactly what this world or whatever is I am in is, but it could be anything from some kind of sick experiment to who knows what else. Seemingly the goal is to drive me to suicide, which might be virtual suicide if this is merely one big simulation.

This whole intersexuality thing was provided only as a means to increase my suffering. In reality women and men don't really exist. Humans or at least some kind of lifeforms do exist, yet I'm uncertain about their exact nature. I am merely a plaything for their sick desires.

There is no such thing as friendship. This whole pushing to bind emotionally with others serves merely to hurt me. Nobody around me really cares about what happens to me, unless it increases my suffering. Pretending to be nice and then leaving me to die is how they accomplish this and so far it has worked great. But no more, as I now recognize their plans and won't let them get away with it anymore. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do yet, but somehow I'll make them pay for what they have done and are still trying to do to me...


...


The above is not a joke. I just returned from B's place and during the last few hours there, as well as on the way back to my place these are the thoughts my emotional side came up with, coming really close to overpowering my rational side. I've toyed with such thoughts before, as I love artificial reality situations, but never in this fashion before. I now begin to understand how people can be driven to mass-killings at schools, offices and such places, or just to slaughtering a few select friends or perfect strangers. Paranoia is a scary thing indeed.

Not that I don't understand why my emotional side is moving in this direction. After having been subjected to so much stress and attempting to find the answers to questions my rational side can't even find a proper explanation for, paranoia is pretty much the only possible 'safe' direction, as it'll provide a fitting explanation no matter what the situation.

Does this mean I'll be going on a rampage soon? Not if I can prevent it. I'm locking myself up in my room for the coming days and I'll be monitoring my condition while trying to distract myself with things which will hopefully steer me away from these feelings of paranoia.

I hope for the sake of everything that is holy that I'll get proper help soon...


Maya

2 comments:

elisabetta said...

you don't worrie..you'll try what do you want to be. You're perfect in this way if you want. have you ever read a book "middlesex"?

Maya Posch said...

No, I haven't read it. For me it's still too much of a confrontation to read such books :(