Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Bearing The Pain... Hope?

Last night's sleeping pill unfortunately didn't work too well. The headache I had been suffering all day yesterday kept it from working or so until after I took some painkillers, after which I fell into a restless sleep.

I got up at around 6 AM, eating breakfast in front of my computer as usual while watching another episode of Kanon. Pieter was working from home today, so I spent the rest of the day with him in the computer room with my laptop. I was unable to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time, though, due to the headache which refused to leave me. After a few hours of trying to ignore the headache I felt so tired that I just went back to bed for a nap.

As I made my way downstairs I realized that the headache was solely due to my fight against the negative feelings inside of me, and that I was wearing down much sooner than before during this fight. I was leaning against a door when I contemplated this and smacked it out of frustration, which for some reason made Pieter think that he had heard the door bell. Odd. After waking up again from my nap, though, I didn't feel much better and stayed in bed feeling miserable until I dragged myself out of it, got dressed and went back upstairs to the computer room.

While I was cooking dinner a few hours later, Pieter checked the minimum age (advisory) labels on a few DVDs to check their suitability for me. He also noted that the 'Stripes' (extended cut, but still...) DVD carried an advisory age of 6 years. With the amount of nudity and sex in it I doubt I would show it to my child if I had one if it was 12, let alone 6 years old. Plain retarded.

We had dinner quite late because Pieter got too entranced by his book or so, leaving him to rush to be on time for his D&D night with his friends, and me already late for going to the gym. In the end, though, I decided to not go to the gym, as the headache was still pretty bad, in addition to me feeling quite terrible in general. Perhaps I should have gone, I don't know.

At any rate I just finished a conversation with my mother over the phone. We talked a lot about things, including how the girlfriend of my brother would like to see me, and that I am invited to dinner later this month for some kind of celebration involving my oldest brother. I told my mother that I'm not sure whether I will be capable of attending. I didn't tell her directly that it is because I can't bear to see happy couples, or men and women together, but I'm sure she'll understand.

My mother will also send my GP another email, in addition to Pieter writing up another list of important points to discuss on Monday. She said that I made it sound like Monday is some kind of deadline to me, and I agreed that it does indeed feel like that to me. If Monday doesn't result in anything constructive I'm not sure what I'll do. My mother already got quite emotional as she expressed her distress at seeing me slowly move closer to self-harm and worse. She can't bear to read my blog any longer as it merely upsets her, something which I can quite understand.

Something Pieter has addressed before as an option was mentioned by my mother again in our conversation, namely the option of taking this issue to the media if no solution is to be expected from the side of the medical 'experts'.

Meanwhile I remain waiting feeling as though I am waiting for the results of the chimera test and MRI scans, even though I rationally know that I can't expect them yet, and that I may never get them. I'm really struggling to deal with the pain I'm feeling, unable to deal with it more and more often. It makes the thought of death seem like such a sweet and innocent offer of release.



Purno said...

"While I was cooking dinner a few hours later, Pieter checked the minimum age (advisory) labels on a few DVDs to check their suitability for me."

Whats up with that? You can't decide that for yourself?

After reading your last blogs it seems a pretty good idea for you to check in a at GGZ institution or something.. Your hurting yourself and taking sleeping pills etc whenever you feel bad. Sounds like you can use some day to day professional help..

There are some things you just cant do on your own.

Maya Posch said...

Pieter checked it because I was cooking dinner. While I'm great at multitasking, I can't be in two places at the same time.

I already have experience with GGNet. Spent half a year getting brainwashed by some retarded psychologist who only wanted to push his opinion instead of listening, let alone help me. I don't trust psychologists, psychiatrists and other 'experts' to know WTF they should do.

And besides, my emotional distress is 100% caused by the lack of help from the side of doctors. I have initiated and/or paid for all tests so far, as no one seems to be willing to actually help me by performing a few basic tests, let alone by discussing widely different interpretations of the same MRI scan.

A better option would be to a) go on a killing spree, wiping out the VUMC's Gender Team or so, or b) seek attention via the media, as I feel completely deserted and ignored at this point. As I'm not a normally violent person, I will probably pursue option b first.

Purno said...

Ah ok, didnt know that..

Well B seems like a good plan indeed..