Exhaustion And Pain

This weekend I haven't done much. Saturday Pieter and I did groceries as usual, and I spent 1.5 hour at the gym around noon. After that the day took a less pleasant turn, though, as Pieter and I watched a DVD movie, which turned out to trigger my traumas in new and interesting ways. The movie in question was 'Stripes'.

The first half of the movie was mostly just exhausting for me emotionally, with some scenes involving nudity and guys with dirty thoughts. Nothing I am not confronted with at least a few times a week. During dinner, however, we watched the second part, but it was filled with scenes involving seedy nightclubs, as well as even seedier parts approaching a pornographic movie, until I was wondering two things: why did Pieter consider this to be a suitable movie for me to be watching, and secondly why in heaven's name was I still watching it?

In the end I got up from the couch during the movie and left Pieter behind in the living room, to throw myself on my bed and try to keep my emotions in check. When Pieter came to check on me a short while after that, he was witness to a spectacle new to even me. I was lying on the bed, feeling how convulsions coursed through my body. The convulsions got more rapid, primarily resulting in contractions of the back muscles. This was accompanied by a severe emotional outburst: not mere crying but cries of pain, as it felt like waves of pain were surging through me.

I do not fully remember all details; afterwards I was in such a dazed state until I went to sleep that I was barely aware of my surroundings. The next morning I woke up around 6 AM, feeling miserable still. A few moments later I got a slightly milder repeat of the 'attack' the day before, crying loudly enough to wake up Pieter, who came rushing downstairs again to comfort me. I'm fairly certain that those two collapses, or attacks, or whatever you want to call them, were caused by that one movie. I absolutely loathe that movie now. Something tells me that I shouldn't watch 'Entrapment' either, which is another DVD Pieter recently bought.

Today I did manage to go to the pool, and I actually had a decent time there. I was able to recover a piece of jewellery a girl had lost on the bottom of the pool, and played around with some young girls who were also at the pool. By the time I got home, though, I felt rather tired. After a brief nap of an hour I woke up with a severe headache. I really love painkillers.

This entire weekend I have been planning to write an implementation of some synchronization code in the Lilium hardware simulator project I'm currently producing a demonstration version of, yet while I have worked out in my head all the details, I somehow feel too tired or overcome by a headache to write even a single line of code. It's so frustrating :(

Tomorrow Pieter's week-long vacation ends, and I'll have to spend most of the day alone again. I'll possibly go to the gym again, also depending on my gym partner. Somehow I'll have to do some work, though, else I might as well give up on accomplishing anything any time soon...

Next week I hope that there'll be something definitive on the help I can expect from the AMC, on the chimera test and possibly the MRI scans. If it takes any longer I'm not sure I'll care enough about it any more, let alone anything else. I need to end this nightmare soon, before it consumes me fully.


Maya