Thursday, 21 May 2009

Keeping One's Distance

A pattern appears to emerge whenever someone admits to thinking about suicide a lot: people begin to avoid that person, often making him or her feel even worse, leading to more suicidal thoughts, which leads to more people distancing themselves from that person, and so on. This pattern I could see with my cousin, and I can discern it in my case.

After the medical adventures of the past two years I was feeling really drained, really losing hope and this lead to me thinking about suicide. Not planning or really considering it, just thinking about it. I admitted to having those thoughts both to people in my surroundings and on my blog. What I really wanted was attention for my case, and help, but the more I asked, the moment they discovered that I was thinking about suicide, they ran away.

Yesterday there was a bit of drama between Pieter and me, in the sense that I had felt the past weeks that Pieter was distancing himself from me, yet I didn't really understand why. I tried to explain my wishes and desires, what had to be done to resolve my current stand-off, yet I increasingly got the feeling that I was being left to fence for myself. This worried me a lot, I had expected him to help me like he had before, pulling me through everything.

The thing was, as Pieter told me yesterday, that he felt that I was wrecking myself, that I was a ticking bomb. He didn't want to be too involved when I would decide to end it all. A few times already when he returned home from his work he half expected to find me lying in a blood-soaked bed. The ironic thing is that me not understanding why he was distancing himself was worsening my situation. I insisted that I was not going to kill myself, that I would do anything I could to stay alive, but that I needed his help with all the medical proceedings and such.

I'm glad Pieter and I got to talk things through. He will help me with the upcoming situations and in exchange I will show my will to live by doing actual work. I'm glad we could arrange this, as earlier today when Pieter was looking at the website of the UMC Groningen and was reading bits and pieces from the (transsexual) protocol they use there (which I'm intimately familiar with already), I began to feel violently ill. The last thing I want to go try is get it through the heads of the people who are supposed to help me that I'm not a bloody transsexual. Fortunately I have got at least Ms Salvatore's (AMC) word going for me, even if it didn't carry much weight at the VUMC.

Anyway, today I have revised and written most of the first chapter of my Ocarina of Time story. I'll finish the chapter before going to bed, read and revise it tomorrow and then publish it on my site (, under 'Projects' in the menu). I really hope that people will enjoy it and will donate a few Euro (cents) to indicate that they'd like to see the next chapter(s) too. For me personally it's a big milestone, as I have attempted to write this story ever since I first played Ocarina of Time in 1998, with this last attempt originating in 2007.

I will publish the chapters in PDF format, A4-size, but I'm open for suggestions for other formats and sizes to make reading on PDAs, Kindles and other devices easier. The publishing rate for the next chapters depends on how much time I will be able to spend on writing them, which is linked into how much income it'll generate for me. I intend to advertise this novel on a few game blogs and such, and would humbly ask others to put in a nice word for me online and in real life if they like my writings. Much obliged.

There are two more novels I'm working on as well, but I want to keep details about them under wraps for a bit longer. At any rate, please check back tomorrow for hopefully my first (online) publication :)

If it's any comfort or indication of my writings, I have won the writing contest during the first year at my High School by a wide margin and have had some things I wrote for classes Dutch read to the class by the teacher as an example of proper writing style, as well as some (Dutch) stories I wrote back then (because my English was almost non-existent at that time). It still makes me kind of proud that I got so much recognition by teachers during my early years at HS for my literary skills. I'd really like to get that feeling of appreciation from that time back again. Anyway, enough dreaming :)



Jan said...

I'm glad you talked things over with Pieter. It must be a stressfull situation also for him, I'm sure.
I will read your new chapter. I do not know the story so I'm curious.

PS, if you do on a working spree I hope that you will not forget my scripts. I told you that I'm not in a hurry but would like to have them some day.
Greetings, Jan

Maya Posch said...

Hi Jan,

I hope you enjoy the story :)

Also, I resumed work on your project today again. I hope to have it finished and more-or-less tested by next week. I'll keep you updated.