Tuesday, 5 May 2009


I'm not sure what the heck happened, but today has been an absolute ordeal. After an initially successful start this morning, with me getting out of bed at 6.45 AM and spending some time with Pieter including walking the dogs before he left for his work. Things started going wrong when I checked the old emails I had received from doctor Linthorst in preparation for writing a new email. Something in those emails must have triggered something, as the next thing I remember is fetching breakfast downstairs in the kitchen whilst crying the entire time.

During breakfast I watched the first episode of the 2006 remake of the Kanon anime series (the original is my absolute favourite), and felt relatively okay. After breakfast I did some work on the NyanKana: KKE game, specifically detailing some characters and enemies which will appear in a mini-game. Around 10.30 AM I began to feel rather tired again, with a mild headache, so I decided to go back to bed again. After waking up two hours later, however, I felt absolutely terrible. Extremely demotivated, with me having to force every single movement of my body, let alone do any useful work.

So I decided to go back to bed again, read a bit, perhaps sleep some and see whether it'd pass. In the end I cried some more, read a chapter and finally kept sleeping for nearly three hours straight, until Pieter returned home. Before I even had a chance to eat dinner, something horrible triggered inside me.

Right now I still have a bloody scratch on my neck where I used my nails about an hour ago in a kind of choking/scratching manoeuvre. Fortunately Pieter was sitting next to me and was able to prevent more damage than the scratch and a few torn out hairs. I don't know why in the world I did this to me, except for this rage I feel inside me at times, born from some kind of disgust at my body or so. I'm not entirely sure. I only know that I keep having those urges to injure myself.

At the moment I'm feeling relatively okay and stable. I will take that sleeping pill I didn't take last night, though. I'm not entirely sure how to explain that scratch on my neck (it's a few cm long and pretty visible) tomorrow at the gym. Talking about which, my tummy muscles are still hurting a lot today from the exercise they received yesterday. Legs are okay, arms are a tad sore too.

I'll see whether I can do some more work on NK: KKE today. I'm liking what I have done so far on it. I'll have to check with Trevor to see when I'll be able to use the new game engine and tools he has been working on while I was slacking off. All we need now is someone to commit to doing the sound for this game and we're set, with a possible release within two months.


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