Friday, 15 May 2009

Momentary Happiness

It's been many months since we first met, online. You knew about my 'secret' right from the beginning, yet it didn't frighten you. We talked many times afterwards, both online and via the phone until we didn't communicate for a while. You were the one to call me to get back into contact. Then suddenly by the end of last year you came to visit me in real life. It was both an exciting and unnerving prospect, as I had no idea how it'd be like to see you for once not captured by a camera image. Nor did I really know whether we'd really like each other.

You cared enough about me at least to insist on accompanying me to the hospital to support me. I didn't know whether I'd want you to get involved that far, but I couldn't find a reason to disagree.

I keep recalling fond memories of the two of us meowing at each other the entire time, much to the annoyance of Pieter. I remember your softness as I embraced you. You understood my pain as something you told me triggered my PTSD, something which still haunts my thoughts today, also because I still don't feel that I fully understand you. I keep seeing your face as you were lying asleep next to me.

I won't claim any feelings of love or affection. I do however feel that for those few days we spent together you did make me feel happy. It saddens me that I don't have the courage to contact you. I know you are dealing with your own issues and won't let others support you with it, or even talk about it. You are also surrounded by friends who are always there by you, while I'm too weak to even deal with my own situation. I think you'll be fine.

Perhaps we'll see each other again some day... else I'll at least have one happy memory to accompany me to the last moments of my life.

I'm sorry.



zakir ahmed said...

beautiful post :) hope your friend understands you .. how are you now .. i am unable to come online :(

Maya Posch said...

Thanks :)

As you can see on my blog, I'm pretty much living from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour. Not really much else to report, I'm afraid :(

How is your internship going?

zakir ahmed said...

Well , this city is huge .. it takes light years to move from one place to other :( .. btw when u are sad eat some icecream :) .. *hugs* .. take care

Maya Posch said...

Just don't get yourself killed in the (in)famous Indian city's traffic :)

We bought a few kg of icecream today, plus we still got some whipped cream. Plenty of sweet stuff to cheer me up, IOW :P

You take care too :)

zakir ahmed said...

well incidentally people push each other a lot in local trains here :( .. and good luck with your icecreams :) and cream .. try some pineapple with cream ..

Maya Posch said...

Wear spike-studded clothes ;)

Pineapple sounds like a great idea, too bad we don't have any ATM :(

Nicole said...

Awww Maya, your post is so sweet! I think about you a lot. We should deffinatly meet again soon. You're the only one where I feel most comfortable with, without being scared that they want more.

However, there is one thing not right: "You are also surrounded by friends who are always there by you"... I wish you were right, but I'm afraid you're not. I'm really messed up atm. No single friend who comes over to take care. No.. It's only me, myself and I.

Anyway, you know you can always call me and we should deff. meet again soon! And make some fun :D

xxx Nicky

Maya Posch said...

Hi Nicole,

Sorry for not fully understanding your situation. I guess I do make some wrong assumptions at times too. My apologies :)

I feel really glad that you appreciate being with me that much still. If you want we can meet up again soon, like next weekend? We can go swimming on Sunday too :)

Nicole said...

No problem:*

Next weekend would be difficult tho. I'm going to my brother, because on the 31st of this month it's my dad's birthday and also past away for precisly 10years. So I won't be able to come. Maybe on another date, during the week or sth? Anyway, swimming sounds like fun :P


Maya Posch said...


I meant the weekend starting tomorrow :) sorry if I was unclear.