Better Working Through Exhaustion

The last few days have really been marked by near-insomnia. I used to sleep before midnight, now I'll be lucky if I can fall asleep before 2 AM. Until then I have no recourse but to wear myself out to the point where these thoughts which plague me almost constantly no longer control me whenever I try to relax. The past nights I have had around 4 hours of sleep, with 2-4 hours during the day to catch up on it. Not that I don't feel exhausted again shortly after waking up.

One thing which isn't suffering under this lack of sleep is my work. I swear I get a thousand-fold more productive when I'm numb from a lack of sleep. It's as though many mental walls seem to fall away, not to mention that my emotional side tends to shut up.

Yesterday at the swimming pool I kind of shut down during the last hour, feeling like I absolutely didn't want to partake in any more silly social and emotional stuff. I also had a weird encounter with a group of girls of about a year or 13. I ended up playing with a ball with them, afterwards one of them asked me how old I was, after that she started to completely avoid me. I have no clue why, but it confuses and pains me.

Tomorrow at 9 AM I have the intake appointment with the psychiatrist at De Meregaard. Specifically I have the intake with a physician, Temmerman, who is later joined by the psychiatrist, Oostveen. Most important thing to cover is the point of having therapy there at De Meregaard, instead of going with the therapist Engel Vrouwe or one of his colleagues, most specifically due to the need for medical tests which would have to be requested. I'll see what they have to say.

Last Friday or so I sent emails on the reasons why I think I'm being deceived by the medical community here to the UMCG, my GP and Engel Vrouwe. The latter responded Saturday with a nice email in which he encouraged the kind of research I was doing, promised me that he would not let things rest if these accusations turn out to be true and reinforced that he agreed on the need for immediate medical tests. Finally he stated that I could most definitely trust him and his colleagues. I'm glad he responded in this manner, since it could also be used against me, by accusing me of being paranoid, ignorant of how to interpret MRI images (even if it really isn't that difficult) and all that. I wonder what my GP and professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG will answer, though.

Anyway, as said I have been doing a fair amount of work. Today I spent a few hours researching the potential behind multiple artificial muscle configurations, specifically aimed at magnetic types, which is my favourite type since it seems to offer many benefits over existing types. If only I had some funding to build prototypes...

I have also been working on the KKE game, writing the basic code layout behind the game, its menu structure and such. Many of the resources for the Alpha builds have been prepared already, including most 3D models, and the coming weeks everything will be put together. We may decide to get some reliable people to alpha test some more mature builds to get additional feedback.

This week Trevor is putting a demo together of a basic game, employing many of the features of the game engine, the VSE (Virtual Space Engine), including the physics stuff. It should look pretty spiffy. Expect a video of it soon. I'll be trying to find someone to do the sound for KKE in the mean time, or perhaps try producing something myself if that doesn't work out. I'll see.


Maya