Yesterday I did pretty much nothing after I wrote my blog post in the morning aside from reading, sleeping and watching movies. After my decision to revert many changes in my emotional side, it's like I've pulled loose a huge pile of tangled up... stuff, with the resulting feeling being akin to sitting on the very edge of a seesaw trying to balance a huge weight at the other side, which then suddenly largely vanishes, causing me to be nearly launched into the skies. Unbalancing, one could say.
This morning I realized something which basically sums up my uneasiness, frustration and such I've suffered during the past years. In essence I'm not fully accepted in this world as a guy, girl, or even an adult. This is why I felt so strongly the need to basically revert to being a child again, as then I'm allowed to be genderless and dodge many responsibilities. I still won't be able to avoid many things, but at least without the need to be seen as a girl so strongly present I won't keep getting hurt whenever things come up which disrupt this. It's just too bloody chaotic.
Allow me to explain things a bit more. Last week Wednesday I was more or less judged to be merely male by that ignorant endocrinologist, yet in general life I'm being seen and treated as a girl, however my official gender and name keep popping up, which causes people to regard me as being things like a transvestite or transsexual or so. Such events pretty much rip the footing from below me, causing me to tumble into a dark pit of nothingness yet again. Obviously this causes more stress than I'm capable of handling right now, hence my decision to make myself more or less immune to it via this way.
It seems that I'll have to call my former physician, as she's not responding to my emails at all. Apparently she's determined to cause me pain and suffering until the very end. How nice. I feel tempted to just forget about all this physician stuff, lock myself up inside my room and see what happens with the things my friends are researching for me in regards to specialists willing to look at me and take me serious.
Part of me is nearly panicking over any pain or discomfort I feel, thinking it might be symptoms of cancer. Intersexuality namely significantly increases the possibility of cancer, and without a proper diagnosis there's no telling what the risk in my case is, or whether I've already got it. I guess this is why not being taken seriously by medical people feels like a kind of death sentence.
Today I'll be trying to work as much as possible, while the last remains of my 'adult-level' emotions slowly dissolve. I haven't felt as calm as I feel now in a long time. I really feel I have made the right decision, even if it was a quite severe one.
Maya
1 comment:
Eh. I don't get it. How can you just expect to "flip a switch" and revert emotionally into a genderless child? Dissolving your adult emotions is just an illusion. At least in my experience, you can't just shove emotions aside and expect things to get better. The emotions just build up and threaten to explode. If you do contain it, it takes years for that build up to fizzle away.
If your official name causes you trouble, change it. Granted, I don't think you can just get your "official" gender changed as easily, but its a start. I know you are concerned with how others view you, but one look at you and its obvious you are feminine. You may not be able to avoid every aspect of yourself that brings up emotional stress, but this is who you are. I don't know you IRL, but in one way it seems that you are confident of yourself. You don't keep your issues secret from others and you let everyone know how you are feeling.
I agree with Alianirlian from your last comment. Right now you have a lot of people that care for you and can offer you emotional support by just being around you. I don't quite understand what you mean by "dissolve adult emotions" but i hope it doesn't effect your social life negativity. At least when I have felt i was being stepped on by everyone, my few close friends kept my head above the water.
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