Today I made two fatal mistakes... the first was to post a topic on the Tweakers forum asking for photographers who'd want to hold a photo shoot with me. This resulted in a barrage of questions and accusations and ultimately even one guy telling me that all he saw on the pics on my gallery was a boy wearing girl's clothes. This solidifies my fears that I have just been deceiving myself after all. I'm not a girl and will never be one. I don't want to be a boy either and I can't be one. I'm not a transsexual and will never be one. Intersexuality is a lie which I believed in and which has proven to be my undoing.
The second mistake was to accept an invitation to go with some 'friends' from the Tweakers site to a local cafe. There I got repeatedly my trauma's kicked against and my consequent suffering completely ignored. It was one of the most cruel experiences ever.
Together this has made me decide to completely wipe my presence from the Tweakers site, and no longer respond to their queries. But this is only the start. I just can no longer see any reason to keep living. I want to die to make this pain end.
Everything about my life has been an unfulfilled promise. My body is a ridiculous joke, I'm receiving no help at all on finding a solution for it. And no, talking about it and telling me it's going to be fine won't do a darn thing, you stupid morons. I don't respect a reply back from the second German clinic, not after over 2 weeks. I don't expect any specialist here in the Netherlands to help me get treatment in Germany. There is absolutely no hope here anymore. I've been too long out here alone in the scorching desert to go on. It's futile.
I'm going to make an appointment with my physician to discuss the option of euthanasia. Else I'll have to opt for the less desirable choice of suicide. Either way I'm through with this all. As I was lying in my moments ago, observing my desk and remembering all the plans I have had and still have and how nothing of it has worked out, how my whole life has been totally meaningless I just can't take it anymore.
This is possibly my last blog post ever. I hope you liked it so far and will perhaps once in a while think back to this life which was so promising and so futile.
Update: After one of the most terrifying moments in my life I have finally managed to somewhat calm myself down. The damage: a torn open knee where I used my nails, a bloody nose from who-knows-what, the most messiest hair in the world, a bed soaked with tears and a new-found fear for myself and respect for people who have to deal with insanity every day.
I have convinced myself at this moment to sleep and talk this over again tomorrow morning, and will definitely make an appointment with my physician as this situation I am in is absolutely critical now. I have never come this close to using the various sharp tools I have lying around on my desk and elsewhere in my room. Getting literally millimeters away from actually grabbing the boxcutter which is lying to my left at this moment and using it to disfigure for example my genital area is something I have no experienced so strongly before and quite frankly I'm terrified.