Wednesday, 28 May 2008

On The Verge Of Surrendering...

God, I'm so tired... tired of everything... of waiting, of planning, of disappointments, of trying again and again without luck... When it comes to my body I'm ready to just discard it. All it gets me is pain and suffering. Nothing about it makes sense, and nobody is interested in helping me find out what's wrong with it. Right now my tummy and chest hurt so much from me hitting it repeatedly with my fists. I don't care if I damage anything. All hope is lost anyway. I'll just get the result from Germany telling me that the first clinic was wrong after all about their interpretation of the MRI scan and then all doors will close for me again. At this point it'll be curtains.

I got a reply back from my insurer: "Your question has been forwarded to our department 'Foreign matters'. To get a better understanding of your request for help we we ask you to send us a detailed request and treatment plan from the specialist and any medical statements from Dutch physicians who support the treatment."

So that's a dead end for now. I'm left with trying to find a specialist here in the Netherlands who is willing to support my cause. I'm thinking of trying the hospital here in Almere (Flevoziekenhuis) or one in Utrecht. I've been told to avoid academic hospitals like the plague because they're too close to each other.

At this point, however, I feel too tired and weak to even think of what kind of specialist I might need. I have no hope it'll work out anyway. There's no way I can do this on my own anymore. I just want to curl up and die. So what if I'm a coward? I've had enough of this nonsense after over 3 years and more than willing to throw in the towel at this point. There's nothing but pain left in this life for me anyway.

Just forget it...


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