Sunday, 18 May 2008


After a lot of thinking and some research I think I've come to a few conclusions: it is definitely possible that I have a prostate after all. I do not necessarily have to be intersexual in the most common terms. It is also possible that I don't have a vagina, but there's definitely something odd about my body, for which I hope to find an answer soon. First I have to wait for the reply from Germany, which'll at least allow me move beyond this point. If they do confirm the results of the first report, however, I will ask my insurance company whether I can receive surgery in Germany. The medical 'experts' here in the Netherlands can drop dead for all I care.

So what does this make me, then? Neither male nor female. My body seems to have lost all clues before I was even born and emotionally I feel much more comfortable just staying a really smart child like I always was. No need to deal with any icky grown-up emotional stuff which generally is silly beyond words, or plain incomprehensible. Just me, my work and friends as an optional extra.

About people urging me to receive counseling for my issues... I refuse to go to yet another psychologist in the hope that he or she may help me. Call me paranoid, but I do not believe that they can understand, let alone help me if even I can't grasp what my issues are. I might give it a whirl with the counselor I talked with before if my insurance company pays the bill. Else there's no way I'd cough up the money for it even if I had it. Why'd I have to pay to receive help for what appear to be rather serious issues? Utter stupidity.

In other news, I'm currently setting up the (and .org) site. It should be online in a rudimentary form by tomorrow. It'll contain not only my blog, but also a biography, an overview of some personal projects and a photo gallery. I hope you'll like it :)



Anonymous said...

We're all standing behind you, don't forget that. I, for one, definitely am. :)

- Kirie-chan

wolfy said...

I've had my fair share of professional help, and some of them helped, others not so much.

My latest experience with help was a psychologist in Hilversum. For a couple of weeks it was helping and working. After that I stopped going because I didn't trust her anymore, so I stopped talking about what was important to me.

Whatever you do, don't expect a quick fix for your mental problems. It will take time, one single problem at a time.

About insurance, last year you could get some money from the so called Algemene Wet Bijzondere Ziektekosten (AWBZ). They are talking about changing that next year, but if I'm not mistaken you can still get it. I mean, I was able to get that to pay for my psych sessions. So instead of about 80 euro, you pay about 15 euro per session. And you can even get that amount back from your insurance, if you insured short term psychological support.

Well, good luck, and I'll see you friday.