Monday, 12 May 2008


Yesterday I had this really nice dream when I took a nap around noon. In it I was on some kind of festival terrain. I somehow found myself rolling down a hill with a few girls, one of which landed pretty much on top of me. I could feel the softness of her body as we started cuddling as it felt like the natural thing to do. She then stood up and left, with me following her, only to lose her out of sight before I left the terrain.

Following random streets, however, I ended up at a building which I entered and ended up in a hallway where I saw this man, who I thought to be a doctor, and who was probably the father of the girl I was following. Opening a door near this place which had a tag dangling from it with a girl's name written on it, I suddenly found myself outside, in a really sunny place. Sitting there on the green grass on the right from me was the girl. Walking to her, though we didn't seem to use words, once I got near her I understood that she didn't expect to see me again, but there was no lash back like I'd usually experience in such a situation. We just continued to communicate in this wordless fashion and everything felt right. This was the best dream I've had in a long time, and I think it is full of symbolism.

Sadly it's the only positive thing I can report at this point. A few days ago I started a thread on a Dutch forum at asking the people there to help me figure out how to find friends and get out of this loneliness. Though I got some good tips and ideas, I nevertheless cut off all contact with the people on that forum today. I don't feel that I'm getting what I want from it, which is a true friend, who isn't afraid to share all of the pain I feel inside. My dream indicates this as well.

So I'm not sure what to do at this point, except shut down my emotions and work like I should have done many months ago. Perhaps years from now when the whole medical mess has been resolved might I try another attempt at finding friends, assuming I last that long. Getting a confirmation back from Germany that Rotterdam was right after all would pretty much mean the end for me, as I know from experience that there is no medical specialist in this entire world who might be interested in helping me figure out why my body is this twisted, disfigured mess.

Here's another example of futility, in a message I received from my friend LJ:

LJ: someone pmed me
LJ: a little fyi. maya/suzu or whatever he-she calls itself... things aren't what they appear to be
maya is a he who thinks he's a she
you can continue to flirt with it if you like, but you're flirting with a dude
keep that in mind
LJ: I hate people like that who talk behind people's backs

Now this NagakuAoshi guy is someone I don't know at all except from seeing his nick on IRC and yet he has the nerve to talk about me like that behind my back. I tried to contact him, but obviously he won't respond.

Whenever people first learn about me, they often mention how they know a transsexual friend. This is absolutely the wrong thing to mention to me, as I still hate TSs. TSs have nothing whatsoever to do with me, despite what those retarded psychologists and doctors keep telling me (do I sound crazy already?), and I wouldn't give a damn if they were to all drop dead.

*takes deep breath*

Someone on the aforementioned forum asked me whether this year I had begun to think differently about sexuality since last year I seemed to be really focusing on it and doing all kind of... weird stuff. Obviously the answer is that this year I'm completely suppressing any thought about sexuality and relations, in a feeble attempt to keep myself sane.

Many people have told me to be more positive on my blog,, and I have tried to answer to that request, but well, this is all you're getting it seems. Live with it.

Update: A few hours later and I seem to be thinking in a slightly more nuanced manner. I think I took thing too quickly, too much in some respects. Clearly this shows how emotionally immature I still am.



Alianirlian said...

I wouldn't say 'emotionally immature', rather 'emotionally vulnerable'. You've had quite a lot to deal with over the past few years and that has left scars. I can only hope you will find indeed a true friend, like you did in your dream. I cannot promise that I'll be that person - all I can do is tell you that I never *intentionally* hurt people, but I cannot guarantee that I'll never make unintentional remarks to hurt you. However, if I ever do or say anything, please say so - it's the only way to learn, to evolve.

For what it's worth, I don't see you as 'a he who thinks he's a she', but as a she. This has nothing to do with transsexuality for me, but with how a person sees himself or herself on the inside. Naybe it's because I'm a roleplayer who has a few male characters myself that I'm a bit more flexible than the average person, I don't know. hindsight, I don't know if this reaction makes much sense to you... In that case, just treat it as some thoughts on your blog.


Niky said...

Hang in there, stay strong.

Meeting new people through the internet isn't the easiest of things.

Next to that, I don't care if you're a he, she or w/e, as long as you feel like your being yourself.

Hang in there, talk to you soon...

Cailin Coilleach said...

> I don't feel that I'm getting what I want from it,
> which is a true friend, who isn't afraid to share
> all of the pain I feel inside.

Well, what you have to keep in mind dear, is that these fora attract thousands of members! 99% of these folks are only interested in having a laugh, or in discussing technical stuff or the latest movie. Internet fora are just a distraction to them, to have a fun way to spend their time. Most of these people do enjoy eachother's company, but they're not out looking for BBFF's.

Of course it can happen, but it'll take time. :)

I completely understand your desire for someone to have and to hold and I'm sure you'll find someone. But in the mean time, maybe start by making friendly acquaintances :) Who knows, maybe one or two of these will grow into -real- friends...

In a lot of your blog posts I see you trying to force things. Force yourself to do this, force yourself to suppress that, etc... My bestest friend taught me a wise lesson about a year ago: sometimes you shouldn't try so hard and accept what's happening. Sometimes "good enough", really is good enough...

Take care...

K-B said...

Hey meid het eerste wat ik wil zeggen is dat je niet te veel tegelijk wilt hebben. Ik kan wel gaan vertellen dat ik me voor kan stellen hoe je je voelt maar dat weet ik gewoon niet.
Ondanks dat ik zelf op relationele sfeer ook een paar behoorlijk slagen van de zweep heb gehad. En daar pas na 2 jaar een goed plekje voor heb kunnen geven. (het speelde 2.5jaar geleden af)
En jouw verhaal is eigenlijk pas een probleem als je dat er zelf van maakt. Zo heb ik zelf, binnen die eerder genoemde 2 jaar, ook meermaals weer aan een nieuwe relatie willen beginnen en dan voelt alles goed aan tot dat er ergens toch weer een knop om gaat. En door dat soort momenten heb ik het daten gewoon nu al een maand of 7 helemaal links gelaten. En ben ik me daardoor gelukkiger gaan voelen??? Eerlijk gezegd, NEE. MAAR ook weer wel, want je bent er ook niet meer door geƶbsideerd en je leeft dus ook relaxter. (het is maar net hoe je er zelf tegen aan kijkt).

En nu vraag je je misschien af waarom verteld hij dit allemaal als reactie op me blog. Nou omdat ik denk dat, ondanks het verhaal heel anders is, het gedeelte hoe kijk je naar je "probleem" (positief / negatief) je een heel ander mens kunt voelen.

PS. ik kwam je blog tegen via een posting op GoT en mocht je contact zoeken doe dat gerust.

Wolf Schouten said...

Thanks for being an inspiration to update my own blog more often. Because blogging people are often feeling better then non blogging people.

And for the rest, hang in there, people do care for and about you. Make use of all that positive energy that people are trying to give you. Eventually, you will get there. No idea where it is, but it will be a better place then here and now.

John Hoo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John Hoo said...

From my interaction with him, I know NagakuAoshi is a total cockbag. He's an ignorant, pompous, self-righteous jackass. It's best that you ignore him.

I see you as a 'she', rather than a 'he', the same way I see other females. In fact, I'm hard pressed to imagine you as anything else, which is probably why I was quite surprised to learn what the government of Netherlands think you are (passport, ID, etc.).

As much as I yearn to, I cannot offer you true friendship. I would really like to be a real friend to you; someone who respects you, and someone who cherishes you. I'd give you moral support with every ounce left of my spirit.

Yet, I cannot do such a thing, simply because of where we were both fated to be. Physical distance has prevailed, so to speak.

As such, I will do as much as I can from where I am to help you. If you need anything, you know where to find me. I will do what's within my power to aid you.

If I believed in a God, I would pray for you. Unfortunately, I don't. So I can only wish you good luck for the future.

Stay strong.