Following random streets, however, I ended up at a building which I entered and ended up in a hallway where I saw this man, who I thought to be a doctor, and who was probably the father of the girl I was following. Opening a door near this place which had a tag dangling from it with a girl's name written on it, I suddenly found myself outside, in a really sunny place. Sitting there on the green grass on the right from me was the girl. Walking to her, though we didn't seem to use words, once I got near her I understood that she didn't expect to see me again, but there was no lash back like I'd usually experience in such a situation. We just continued to communicate in this wordless fashion and everything felt right. This was the best dream I've had in a long time, and I think it is full of symbolism.
Sadly it's the only positive thing I can report at this point. A few days ago I started a thread on a Dutch forum at Tweakers.net asking the people there to help me figure out how to find friends and get out of this loneliness. Though I got some good tips and ideas, I nevertheless cut off all contact with the people on that forum today. I don't feel that I'm getting what I want from it, which is a true friend, who isn't afraid to share all of the pain I feel inside. My dream indicates this as well.
So I'm not sure what to do at this point, except shut down my emotions and work like I should have done many months ago. Perhaps years from now when the whole medical mess has been resolved might I try another attempt at finding friends, assuming I last that long. Getting a confirmation back from Germany that Rotterdam was right after all would pretty much mean the end for me, as I know from experience that there is no medical specialist in this entire world who might be interested in helping me figure out why my body is this twisted, disfigured mess.
Here's another example of futility, in a message I received from my friend LJ:
LJ: someone pmed me
LJ: I hate people like that who talk behind people's backs
Now this NagakuAoshi guy is someone I don't know at all except from seeing his nick on IRC and yet he has the nerve to talk about me like that behind my back. I tried to contact him, but obviously he won't respond.
Whenever people first learn about me, they often mention how they know a transsexual friend. This is absolutely the wrong thing to mention to me, as I still hate TSs. TSs have nothing whatsoever to do with me, despite what those retarded psychologists and doctors keep telling me (do I sound crazy already?), and I wouldn't give a damn if they were to all drop dead.
*takes deep breath*
Someone on the aforementioned forum asked me whether this year I had begun to think differently about sexuality since last year I seemed to be really focusing on it and doing all kind of... weird stuff. Obviously the answer is that this year I'm completely suppressing any thought about sexuality and relations, in a feeble attempt to keep myself sane.
Many people have told me to be more positive on my blog,, and I have tried to answer to that request, but well, this is all you're getting it seems. Live with it.
Update: A few hours later and I seem to be thinking in a slightly more nuanced manner. I think I took thing too quickly, too much in some respects. Clearly this shows how emotionally immature I still am.