Thursday, 15 May 2008

*Cries*

Okay, I give up...

The past days have been interesting and horrible at the same time. The topic at the Tweakers forum did get me some results, and I've met one guy so far in real life. I've got an appointment with a woman on Friday as well. Sadly, my new computer died two days ago and I've only now managed to fix it (somewhat). The resulting delay in my work hasn't made me feel happy.

The really horrible part? When this guy was over here at my place, I noticed how uncomfortable I felt whenever he tried to hug me or so. I got some local newspapers from a friend to check out local advertising potential. When I came across the ads for escort services I felt terrible, but only at the ads advertising services from women. And just now a Canadian 'friend' just tricked me into seeing his girlfriend naked on cam, which gave me the most uncomfortable feeling ever, same as just now when I learned that this woman I'm meeting on Friday has a boyfriend as well. This makes me think that whatever complex or trauma I have developed since the rape is stronger than ever.

I don't know what to do... should I just continue meeting people and keep risking getting hurt like this? Might there be some way to fix this? I do not believe in psychologists anymore and to be honest I don't believe this issue will ever improve. Of all the improbable things to commit suicide about...


Maya

4 comments:

Hugo said...

Maya,

The topic on tweakers is a start and it has to develop. Give it some time. Tomorrow you meet the girl from tweakers and I think that will do you some good.

That someone is uncomfortable when he see you for the first time is quite normal. He has to find out who you are and you have to find out who he is. It takes time to develop a good friendship. But you already know that.

I'm sure you will friend a real friend. Don't worry to much and give it some time.

Cailin Coilleach said...

Yup... Time, time, time :)

Also, there's a reason why so many people go into counseling after a traumatic event. "Post-traumatic stress" mean anything to you? ;) And if rape isn't traumatic, I don't know what is...

Remember, counseling does NOT necessarily equal seeing a psychologist! There are many chatgroups (IRL!) for women who share your fate. Simply talking about the events can help you deal with it... even if just a little.

You may want to take a look at Stichting Korrelatie ( http://www.korrelatie.nl/ ), who seem to offer such services. Please. Talking about it with people who -know- what it's like may very well help you.

Maya Posch said...

I could try it I guess... The nasty thing of course is that I've got a number of big, overlapping issues. Ideally they'd be dealt with simultaneously, as otherwise the issues which aren't being treated will feed on the struggling of the treated issue and throw me into emotional turmoil, kind of like I'm feeling like an emotional wreck again today because one issue got triggered, which spread to another one and so forth.

Cailin Coilleach said...

> The nasty thing of course is that
> I've got a number of big,
> overlapping issues.

Tut-tut! ;) One thing at a time, remember? I know that it's crappy and that you're in a very complicated situation... But tackling one thing at a time will help you get them out of your way.

Try and think of it in terms of one of your projects! You don't just start programming here, then there, then over there some more. Right? You make a plan for yourself and then you tackle each task in a specific order.

The same applies to all kinds of problems in life: decide what needs to be done and which tasks you want to give priority.

There's actually a great song about just this. Ever heard of the White Stripes? :)

"Once I broke my problems into small pieces I was able to carry them, just like those acorns: one at a time. ... BE LIKE THE SQUIRREL!"
The white stripes ~ "Little acorns"

Take care :)