Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Analysing And Waiting...

The past weeks have been both turbulent and uneventful. I've been meeting with more and more people and even gone to a concert last Saturday with a photographer friend who had to be there for his work. That concert was mostly marked by cigarette smoke, a tiny crowd and mediocre, far too loud music. The first item is the only one I can't easily deal with (requires me to dress up as a WW1 soldier), the rest is okay. God, I can't wait for July 1st when smoking in such public places is no longer allowed here in the Netherlands.

My putrid hatred against people who smoke aside (pun intended), I've had to endure quite a few emotional shocks since my last blog post. What I have come to realize, however, is that what I'm really perceiving and responding to in those cases is not something that is external, at least not primarily, but rather something which is like an echo, a reflection of my own troubled emotional world. While this may seem obvious, it takes effort to really see and understand it.

Even more tasking is to actually deal with it, which is where I'd like to touch upon the matter of people who keep nagging me to go to a psychologist. To make a psychologist, or for that matter anyone, understand exactly what I'm feeling and thinking, including the subtle feedback between me and those echos, for they do allow me to understand myself better, as though watching this troubled world in a mirror, this proposition of 'help' from an outside source purely through talking, while language is not native to my way of thinking, is ludicrous. So far only my fantastic Canadian friend (you know who you are ;) ) can somewhat match my way of thinking, which also leads to lots of hilarious situations where we say exactly the same things during brainstorming and such. If anything he'd make a better 'psychologist' for me than anyone else.

A while ago I sent an email to Privatescan.nl to ask for an estimate on when I'd hear from the German clinic on the MRI scan. So far I haven't received a reply yet. I'll probably nag them again tomorrow. My insurance company (Unive) has received an email from me as well, informing them on the matter and asking them for their assistance on getting treatment in Germany. It's been a week since that email as well. Obviously I'm feeling rather annoyed at this point, since the further progress of my medical situation fully depends on these two instances.

People have been suggesting over and over again that I can just be myself without having to worry about all this icky medical stuff, to which I can only respond by saying that if I stop worrying about this medical stuff, I have to forget my own body, as its very sight and feel is a constant reminder I can not simply discard. To do so would mean returning to early 2005 when I did indeed not worry about my body to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. A feat which is still barely in reach for me even at this point.

Anyway, among this chattering and drama I have found what I believe is a perfect business opportunity, which I hope to exploit starting somewhere in the next few weeks. I'll provide an update on it as soon as something gets declassified.

In other news, my new computer system has been troublesome as usual. As soon as I receive my money from Norway I'll buy a new mainboard and send this current one back. I just have to choose between AM2 and AM2+ now. I'm tempted to go with the same mainboard as in my server system, as it's been relatively trouble-free.

Also, my new site, www.mayaposch.com is largely functional at this point, with just the customization of the forum left.


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