Saturday, 31 May 2008


Yesterday night I went out with the girl I had met before and her boyfriend. We went to a local cafe where we spent an hour or so shouting over the loud music and drinking alcoholic beverages. I still haven't fully grasped what part of this experience is considered 'fun', though I must admit it was an improvement over other places where I've been. Sitting next to a speaker which is blasting at 120+ dB is not fun, let alone healthy :P

Before I continue I'd like to apologize to everyone who felt shocked or such after reading my blog on Wednesday. I have talked and apologized to quite a few of them already and come to realize that at least a few people actually care about me. Thank you so much for being there for me. I can't promise that I won't go through another episode like that, as much depends on what happens medically, over which I seem to have little control.

A change seems to have occurred since Wednesday as well. I noticed on Thursday already that my emotional resistance against negative influences seem to be pretty much drained, allowing me to be much more easily affected by the triggers for my traumas, as I noticed last night as well. I've had this headache since yesterday morning as well so I think I'll go to bed again in a moment to catch up on some sleep before going to the cinema with Pieter and some other friends to see the new Indiana Jones movie.

Some reasons why I feel quite broken today include going to bed quite late (1 AM) and dreaming a lot. And I mean a lot. I can remember at least three separate dreams, the first being about someone informing me that this girl I knew vaguely from IRC was actually a transsexual, accompanied by pictures.

The second dream involved the house I currently live in, lots of weird, tiny, insect-like critters who I had to somehow manage. There were also lots of cats in the place. Herding talking insects, in other words. Geez, I must have been tired or so :P

The third dream after which I woke up had this girl I know from primary school expressing serious (sexual) interest in me and we getting it on. The manner in which I experienced this in my dream was the same as before with 'erotic' dreams, namely that I observe it clinically as though from a distance without any erotic feelings present, not even after waking up.

Annoying in this last dream was that while it felt right to be with this girl, her boyfriend was circling around her like a bad omen or so. She ignored him, but every time I saw him it hurt, as though at those times something precious was being torn away from me.

I thought that these dreams were rather interesting as they represent the primary issues which concern me, including trauma's. There's the attempting to gain overview (the insect critters), my primal fear and hatred of psychologists plus medical specialists and as a trigger transsexuals, and finally sexuality, relationships and men as representation of pain, suffering, misunderstanding and downright evil.

These dreams may mean that my subconsciousness is at least attempting to grasp these things and handle them. This would be very welcome, as clearly consciously the answer to the questions they pose elude me completely. I feel quite differently today as well. I'm not sure how to describe this sudden 'shift'... it's like the colours... sensations... everything just has shifted a few millimeters or even centimeters and the world feels very different.

Anyway... I have set myself a few short-term goals to focus on which should help stabilize and improve my mood, as well as my general health. The first one is of course to keep working on my current projects. Secondly save up enough money to get my current computer fixed (need a new mainboard), construct the file server so that I can do proper backups (need a new HDD among other parts), and finally save up enough money to buy a Wii with Wii Fit and the new Harvest Moon game (I love Harvest Moon a lot ;) ). This among paying off my many debts and setting aside some money for my own place (need to get out of this place before the end of the summer).

One day I truly might be happy...


No comments: