Saturday, 17 May 2008

The Pain In Confrontations...

Yesterday was pretty much a repeat of the day before. This time a girl I know decided it was a good idea to show her 'love' for her new boyfriend by having me and some others watch it on webcam. I didn't know how quickly I had to get away. While trying to deal with the emotional cascade which was trying to form I got a text message from a girl who I was supposed to meet in a few hours, telling me that she wasn't coming after all. The consequent wave of loneliness and such pushed me over the edge. Full-scale cascade. It took me 3 hours of sleep to recover from it, plus multiple small naps after that.

Due to all the commotion I had skipped breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner in time before I was supposed to meet another girl. We had first planned to go to a restaurant or such nearby my house, but after I had asked her to come to my place first, we stayed and talked there. This lasted pretty much from around 7 PM until 11.30 PM, at which point she went home.

We talked about pretty much everything, regarding both our lives. While it definitely was nice to talk to a person who more or less understood me, I still felt tinges of pain and sadness as I felt myself long for certain aspects of her life. This morning when I woke up I thought back to the things we talked about, certain sentences lodged itself into my brain with severe ferocity (sexuality!), causing a (smaller) emotional cascade since my mental resistance is especially weak in the morning after I wake up.

At this point I'm trying to forget and suppress everything of yesterday, lest it consumes me. If I can't manage to neutralize those harmful sentences and images by turning them into beautiful little cysts, it'd consume me. This is how I deal with such things I can't understand due to my traumas. Control, suppress, push away. Until it comes back to me during an emotional cascade.

And apparently I'm just acting:

<&Kirsty> but maya, with you, you always have to be center of attention
<&Kirsty> its not just attention.
<&Kirsty> you have to be THERE
<&Kirsty> right in the middle
because I feel I'm alone otherwise
<&Kirsty> if someone has a problem
<&Kirsty> you're always like
<&Kirsty> "well mines worse"
<&Kirsty> you dont know how bad some people have it out there.
I know I've got issues, don't have to rub it in
<@zOmbie> trying to get sympathy from ircers is lame
<@zOmbie> :/
<&Kirsty> you haveit good compaired to some
<&Kirsty> so dont even start.

Whatever. Screw everyone of you. I'm done with this. I've been lying all along. I don't have any traumas or such. I'm a really good faker, to the point where I had even myself completely fooled. Sorry for messing with all of your minds. I'll go off myself now to cleanse this embarrassing revelation with my own blood or something since I'm supposed to be an attention whore.

I know what happened back when I tried to keep everything cropped up inside me, not telling everyone but a select few about my pains and troubles, feeling alone whenever someone talked to me like I was just a normal girl. I got pretty close to snapping back then. It was a friend who saw this and made me just tell everyone which saved my life, pretty much. Now I'm being told to just shut up and go back to my previous withdrawn stage. I love people. They always feel personally insulted when I mention my uncertainties at their, or just attention in general. I crave attention and yet I loathe it...

Just drop dead already...



grim4593 said...

The problem with people is that they talk shit without caring or even realizing the effect it will have on others. Okay, a few people want to be assholes, but that is no reason to shut out those of us that care for you. Sure, I am not a physical friend that can give you a hug when you need it most, but I would like to think that I put a smile on your face occasionally. I can't speak for everyone. If some some people don't like who you are, fuck'em. They are not worth your time to acknowledge.

I don't know whats best for you, I can't pretend to know. Personally, I think that you should only tell those that you have a great trust in, and rely on them for support. Some people just do not have the strength of heart or mind to not go off and think or say something stupid, in front of you or otherwise. Especially on the internet. People can say or do anything they want and not have to deal with how it affects others. It's one thing to belittle someone that you will never meet, it's another to do it an person and see the pain across their face.

It does not take much to put you down the path of dark thoughts. I know I have been guilty of doing so on occasion, and for that I am sorry.

John Hoo said...

grim nailed it. Hope you're alright...