Due to all the commotion I had skipped breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner in time before I was supposed to meet another girl. We had first planned to go to a restaurant or such nearby my house, but after I had asked her to come to my place first, we stayed and talked there. This lasted pretty much from around 7 PM until 11.30 PM, at which point she went home.
We talked about pretty much everything, regarding both our lives. While it definitely was nice to talk to a person who more or less understood me, I still felt tinges of pain and sadness as I felt myself long for certain aspects of her life. This morning when I woke up I thought back to the things we talked about, certain sentences lodged itself into my brain with severe ferocity (sexuality!), causing a (smaller) emotional cascade since my mental resistance is especially weak in the morning after I wake up.
At this point I'm trying to forget and suppress everything of yesterday, lest it consumes me. If I can't manage to neutralize those harmful sentences and images by turning them into beautiful little cysts, it'd consume me. This is how I deal with such things I can't understand due to my traumas. Control, suppress, push away. Until it comes back to me during an emotional cascade.
And apparently I'm just acting:
<&Kirsty> but maya, with you, you always have to be center of attention
<&Kirsty> its not just attention.
<&Kirsty> you have to be THERE
<&Kirsty> right in the middle
<&Kirsty> if someone has a problem
<&Kirsty> you're always like
<&Kirsty> "well mines worse"
<&Kirsty> you dont know how bad some people have it out there.
<@zOmbie> trying to get sympathy from ircers is lame
<&Kirsty> you haveit good compaired to some
<&Kirsty> so dont even start.
Whatever. Screw everyone of you. I'm done with this. I've been lying all along. I don't have any traumas or such. I'm a really good faker, to the point where I had even myself completely fooled. Sorry for messing with all of your minds. I'll go off myself now to cleanse this embarrassing revelation with my own blood or something since I'm supposed to be an attention whore.
I know what happened back when I tried to keep everything cropped up inside me, not telling everyone but a select few about my pains and troubles, feeling alone whenever someone talked to me like I was just a normal girl. I got pretty close to snapping back then. It was a friend who saw this and made me just tell everyone which saved my life, pretty much. Now I'm being told to just shut up and go back to my previous withdrawn stage. I love people. They always feel personally insulted when I mention my uncertainties at their, or just attention in general. I crave attention and yet I loathe it...
Just drop dead already...