Thursday, 10 September 2009

Everything Is Fair In Faith And Hope

I guess I'm still pretty naive. That, or very desperate. I got quite upset yesterday when I heard that the article in the Grazia won't be published until December. Why? Because I had been led to believe by the speed with which the photoshoot was organized (now a month ago) and by comments made by the journalist and others that there was a lot of interest for the article and thus that it would be published soon. To then hear that it won't be published until three months from now is then quite a disappointment. Even more so because so much seems to hinge on it, including the political stuff, as there is hardly a better way to get a law changed or amended than by having the issue highlighted in the media.

It kind of... no, scratch that. It really hurts when someone gives you false hope while in the knowledge that doing so will hurt you immensely when revealed. It's why a doctor always has to be honest with his or her patients. Not that the VUMC, Erasmus MC or AMC really cared much about that, but that aside. I have never really trusted people in general, while at the same time part of me so badly wants to trust others that it often betrays me.

I have gone through the same 'once I'll get published things will turn out fine' and 'after these tests things will be clear' cycles before with a newspaper publication, with the TV broadcast, the MRI scan(s) and chromosome test. Every time it turns out to be meaningless or end up in a kind of quagmire where no specialist wants to help me and everyone disagrees on and with everything and anyone. Every time I dare to have a sliver of hope or faith in certain people it is expertly crushed time and time again. What point is there in keeping faith or hope after primarily bad experiences?

'Discouraged' would be far too mild a term to describe what I feel at this point and have felt for a while now. As I said before, I consider the MRI scan stuff to be a complete loss, with no one going to agree on one analysis because it's apparently too complex to analyse. Worse, there'll be no other investigation to answer the basic question of whether I do or don't have a vagina, anything like it or just a weird growth. Even if it turns out that I'm indeed an XX/XY 46 chimera/mosaic, it'd only tell me something which isn't directly relevant to how I'll live my live from then on.

This morning I felt absolutely horrible still. I haven't come this close to actually killing myself in a while. Fortunately Pieter was there to comfort me and most importantly talk with. After drenching his shirt once more with a flood of tears we talked a while until I began to feel better. The rest of the day I didn't do too much until the late evening when I went into a brief working craze, showing that I can do a lot of work when I'm not distracted by irrelevant things like feelings, emotions and such junk.

What I'm kind of happy about, though, is that a female friend of Pieter with whom I was friends for a while as well until some point last year when I apparently managed to offend her somehow, now seems to want to talk to me again. If she wants I'll help her learn SQL and hopefully we can become friends again. I absolutely never wanted to hurt her in any way, which is why I'm glad I may get a chance to put things right again. I just want everyone to be happy :)


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