There are two sides to me. One is the girl who is interested in pretty much anything, enjoys learning and sharing information, is very extrovert and in general very pleasant to deal with (according to most).
The other side, however, is very dark. I'm not even sure I'd go as far as to call it a proper personality. It's more akin to a demon lurking inside of me, a source of incredible rage, which seeks to isolate itself from... or perhaps just to destroy the outside world by any means, whether it is through hurting others emotionally or physically, by committing suicide, by going completely berserk and doing unspeakable things.
This 'demon' is my PTSDs, other traumas and god knows what else, all bundled together into one dark vortex. My rational side is the only thing keeping it from freely rampaging. Except for moments like this morning, as you can see in the previous blog post which I wrote right before total collapse.
The horrible thing about PTSD is that often it tends to completely control the victim. A former soldier may believe he is back in the war zone and take whatever measures he thinks are appropriate, even if it means shooting an 'enemy' or taking someone (like a family member) hostage. It can also leave the person completely in shock, resulting in them being unable to concentrate, bursting out in tears or to withdraw into themselves.
My PTSD is strongly triggered by certain things like that of this morning, but there are also a zillion smaller things which are mild triggers, resulting in a cumulative effect. In the end the effect is the same, though. Negative thoughts, loss of any sense of purpose in life, considering myself to be doomed to perish, to be neglected and even stimulated to commit suicide. Above all the horrible pain of loneliness, of cruel doctors and psychologists willingly and knowingly inflicting pain upon me...
*Note: taking a deep breath here. This was indeed right on the mark... feeling quite dizzy and warm/cold again*
For me my war zone includes hospitals, psychologist offices, newspapers, many internet sites and social life. Any place where my identity is questioned, where I have to defend or explain myself, where I am lonely yet try to make friends. My life is a series of battles in one huge war, yet the biggest battles I fight inside my head. The pain and trauma inflicted upon me by all those cruel people I hate so much won't go away. The memories of events, of people, of things said or done which pain me keep coming back. All the time, without granting me any peace. That's why I just laugh when people suggest I should get out of things and relax. I would have to shoot myself through the head to really get 'out of things'.
Before I can truly fight the war inside my head, the war outside it has to end first. Yet it appears to be a long, long war still. Wars of attrition suck.