Friday, 11 September 2009

Something So Dark Inside...

There are two sides to me. One is the girl who is interested in pretty much anything, enjoys learning and sharing information, is very extrovert and in general very pleasant to deal with (according to most).

The other side, however, is very dark. I'm not even sure I'd go as far as to call it a proper personality. It's more akin to a demon lurking inside of me, a source of incredible rage, which seeks to isolate itself from... or perhaps just to destroy the outside world by any means, whether it is through hurting others emotionally or physically, by committing suicide, by going completely berserk and doing unspeakable things.

This 'demon' is my PTSDs, other traumas and god knows what else, all bundled together into one dark vortex. My rational side is the only thing keeping it from freely rampaging. Except for moments like this morning, as you can see in the previous blog post which I wrote right before total collapse.

The horrible thing about PTSD is that often it tends to completely control the victim. A former soldier may believe he is back in the war zone and take whatever measures he thinks are appropriate, even if it means shooting an 'enemy' or taking someone (like a family member) hostage. It can also leave the person completely in shock, resulting in them being unable to concentrate, bursting out in tears or to withdraw into themselves.

My PTSD is strongly triggered by certain things like that of this morning, but there are also a zillion smaller things which are mild triggers, resulting in a cumulative effect. In the end the effect is the same, though. Negative thoughts, loss of any sense of purpose in life, considering myself to be doomed to perish, to be neglected and even stimulated to commit suicide. Above all the horrible pain of loneliness, of cruel doctors and psychologists willingly and knowingly inflicting pain upon me...

*Note: taking a deep breath here. This was indeed right on the mark... feeling quite dizzy and warm/cold again*

For me my war zone includes hospitals, psychologist offices, newspapers, many internet sites and social life. Any place where my identity is questioned, where I have to defend or explain myself, where I am lonely yet try to make friends. My life is a series of battles in one huge war, yet the biggest battles I fight inside my head. The pain and trauma inflicted upon me by all those cruel people I hate so much won't go away. The memories of events, of people, of things said or done which pain me keep coming back. All the time, without granting me any peace. That's why I just laugh when people suggest I should get out of things and relax. I would have to shoot myself through the head to really get 'out of things'.

Before I can truly fight the war inside my head, the war outside it has to end first. Yet it appears to be a long, long war still. Wars of attrition suck.



Virginia Kat said...

Try it. It works (met people who did this including myself)

Take care.

gebruik je toevallig ook androcur?
(hoe dan ook, er is tevens een oorlog in je lijf aan de gang omdat er een vreemde verhouding bestaat tussen de hormonen, testost. en oestro., hou daar rekening mee)

Maya Posch said...

Thank you, Virginia. I'll take a look at that EMDR treatment.

I use Androcur yes. However, considering that I'm intersexual and my body is primarily female, who is to say that the current, female hormone balance isn't the right one for me, and that the old balance was the 'strange' one?

Virginia Kat said...

I found that the androcur was responsible for violent moodswings and so I quit (some people get very depressed because of the androcur), moodswings were still there but managable.
Later, when the testikels were removed I gradually came to a balance without those extremes although I have to say it took almost 10 years after that to become well balanced (because I neglected/trying to forget the other issues and that is where the emdr came in)

Take care.

Maya Posch said...

I see. Well, my experience is the opposite of yours. I felt very calm and in control right after starting the hormone therapy and things have stayed that way. I absolutely wouldn't want to go back to how things used to be.

Virginia Kat said...

Excuse me, I don't want to offend you, but your blog tells another story.

Are you really saying that you don't have moodswings?

That every now and then you wish to hurt yourself, want to commit suicide and so on...

I understand that it's in conjunction with external events but it makes me wonder if you can do things within your grasp to change things for the better (internally).

I'm not saying that you should stop with the hormones (did I say that?) but trying to find out as much as possible about the side effects of androcur, preferably from others who are/were in the same boat as you are (and don't forget that the effects, if present, amplify your trauma's or vice versa)

Just my 2 cents

Take care and have a nice weekend.

I myself could not survive without oestradiol, I will never quit those even if my life depended on it :)

DustFox said...


Al wat ek kan sê op hierdie stadium is dit - as jy ooit daaraan dink om weer weg te hol van almal en alles af - bel my. My nommer is op my fb info page. Ek is maar besig, en dit gaan maar deurmekaar hier tussen die ingenieurswese en die sosiale lewe, maar dit is geen verskoning om nie met iemand te praat wat my op haar skoot toegelaat het vir 2 jaar lank nie.

Ek is nog besig om jou pakkie bymekaar te sit - sê maar as daar iets is wat jy spesifiek wil hê wat ek kan maak - ek's heel goed met leerwerk (learther work).

Oh, en my voordeur staan altyd oop, met 'n gewillige paar ore. As jy gewillig is om na Suid Afrika toe te vlieg. :P

Mag dit goed gaan, en mag jy jou vrae vind waarvan jy klaar die andwoorde het.

~ The random dusty fox from the southern hemisphere.

Maya Posch said...

Thank you, DustFox! And yes, I can actually read what you wrote ;)

I'll keep you informed on anything else I might want you send to me. Perhaps you could hook up with this other South-African guy who can't seem to make up his mind on what to send me :D

DustFox said...

Anytime. Just give a shout to little old me.

I can find anyone. >:3

Jan said...

Hi Maya, a vew weeks ago I also discovered the treatment emdr. Ik seems to work very well to remove traumas. It works by removing the connection between the emotional part of the brain and the part where memorys are kept. The memory will stay of course but will no longer trigger an emotion.
You might also look at some sites regarding heartcoherence, which is used for lowering that emotions wich make one feel bad.(Hope I say this right, my English is not perfect I am afraid.)
This treatment one can try it on his own, it is easy to learn.

Swift said...

No one is hooking up with me >.>