I'm Not Really Here

Today I finally received the first 2.5 months worth of Bbz welfare money. I'm now officially debt-free everywhere except for some interest-free loans with certain family members. I immediately got a haircut today to celebrate. Pictures will follow as soon as I figure out and somehow obtain the necessary parts for the new lighting setup. I'm thinking of a 300 Watt halogen spread light emitter with a white light bulb for the key light. For the fill light I will probably use a reflector at first. All of these can be obtained for around 50 Euro at any DIY store without the need to go to a special photography store.

The issue with a point-and-shoot camera like I have (Canon PowerShot A550) is that it's really not well-suited for indoors conditions. It needs a lot of light to produce nice images, an ISO setting above 150 or so will introduce a lot of noise and the flash is better left unused except in emergencies. I made a diffuser for its flash which seems to help, but since the flash on this camera is so limited (1.5 - 2 meter reach) it's virtually useless. This is why DSLR cameras have those really big flash modules with a lot more output.

By the end of next week I may have the budget for this and put my little photostudio at home together. I wish I had the money for two more stands to use for a backdrop as well. A more neutral background is always nice, also if I wished to replace it with a digital background or such. Anyway, that's just dreaming :)

My dream of getting a video camera is still far away. I have to take things easy financially, so unless I can procure financial resources via some other way (donations aren't going to do it as nobody is donating), it may take a few months. Pieter has been thinking of getting a video camera to film himself playing on his new organ, however, so if he hurries up and buys it soon I can stea... er, borrow it from him :D

The past few days and today I have spent mostly on finishing up the website for Jan's chess club. It's nearly finished now, basically it just has to successfully accept, parse and display the test data before it's done. I can't wait to finish it this week and get back to working on Nyanko's new website and the ECD game. I still have to find volunteers to work on the levels for ECD and/or beta test it, which may be either an easy or a really hard task.

In other news, I have attempted to find a psychotherapist here in Almere who is familiar with EMDR, but they all can't accept any more patients at this moment. I have a feeling the same will be true for therapists in Amsterdam and such as there is a general shortage of psychologists, therapists and such in this country. Groningen is however still too far, not to mention that I can't get EMDR therapy there.

What I have come to realize, or what I'm making myself believe, whichever is true, is that I'm really not a part of society. I have no place in society, I'm not acknowledged there, I do not have an identity. Posing myself as being part of society would be in a sense committing fraud, whether it's getting my own apartment, going to a shop, walking on the streets, going swimming. It doesn't matter, as long as I'm posing as part of society I'm a fraud, and that's something I don't wish to be.

The medical tests and such can only confirm what I already know; that I'm a freak, something which isn't part of society, a person who can never truly exist within society. Realizing this has finally allowed me to let go of the last chains of hope. I won't find a relationship or love. I won't lead a life like everybody else. The only thing that is real about me are my intellectual powers, everything else doesn't matter. To cling to false hopes will only make me unhappy.

Due to this I have finally found a semblance of peace. I can easily push any emotions away and put myself above social situations which I would otherwise have found uncomfortable or which might have triggered my PTSDs. It's still there in the background, but I can truly say that I hardly care anymore. It's all behind me now. I have found my place. It just isn't where everyone expected it to be, including myself. I only exist in my mind, not in this body.

It's not the conclusion I had wished for, or deemed most desirable, yet one can only regret denying reality, not surviving.


Maya